The Sound & The Fury: The 2013 NHL Draft Lottery Unedited

by J.R.

It is 7 PM and I am watching the NHL draft lottery for some reason and here are my unedited, poorly-punctuated thoughts:

oh Christ they didn’t even spell Nashville correctly. Ah it’s the TSN feed does that mean that Uncle Bob will be here? I recognize this guy’s voice buy I can’t place him. Hey look it’s a bucnh of guys in juniors who I suddenly have to give a shit about for the next 29 minutes. Find “owt” shortly there’s Canadian.

UNCLE BOB!!!!!!!!!!!

James Duthie i follow him on Twitter I think he’s the giuy who got everybodyt o drink on Deadline Day. Let’s talk to Uncle Bob and here his thoughts on the events of the day and food and the best places to hang out in Nashville, he likes Tootsies which is for tourists.

The Orlando Magic Chris Webber! But then he got traded to golden State so I don’t know why this is relevant here. Are the beejers going to trade Sweet Pea Jones? Uncle Bob is the coolest guy in the whole world I think

I like Jonathan Druoin he is French. I like that Barkov guy. AND that Russian that isn’t coming over here because the oligarch’s are paying him a zillion rubles.

Bill Daly III, Conference III Commissioner. I’ve talked to him on the phone for my real job and he is a Nice Guy who gives Information. Bettman just says generalities TBH.

Oh look it’s Tambo doing the only thing he was good at.

KNAILLLLL ON HIS NEEEEEESSSSS.

“The Edmonton Oilers are here again.” in saecula saeculorum

Dale Tallon is old as hell. The Avs sent the only guy still employed there – the assistant associate director of Asian goaltender scouting. Pat Verbeek looks like a bird. David Poile please don’t say you are picking Seth Jones. Please don’t say it. Pooile put on fresh hair dye. His tie is not good for tv. Jim Rutherford looks like a groundhog. There’s a groundhog, a crane, an owl up there. It’s the Lotto In The Willows.

Why did they just show Doug Flutie? CANADA.

COMMERCIAL BREAK.

The audio from that juniors game sounds like it recorded by a terrible band that is trying to sound old-timey.

“Skowts.” Popeye was born in Dresden Tennessee did you know that? The first person to tell me about Sweet Pea was the former sports editor at some small daily paper in West Tennessee.

U-S-A! “We’re the best team obviously here.” OBVIOUSLY. AMERICAN HERO SETH SWEET PEA JONES.  This is pretty great I’d be OK with having this yiung man on my hockey team.

But I do like Druooiny the French Guy.

Uncle Bob’s Rankings Are Definitive and once decided who would Be The Next Prime Minister and led to the accession of Labrador into the Canadian Confederation and Dominion.

Sasha Barkov he is FINNISH OK DAVID POILE NOT RUSSIAN. FINNISH. Valerie Nakooshkin has been movng up but #Russian.

The hell is a Sixty Seven? Is that a slightly discounted sex act cheaper in Canada because of the exchange rate?Hellooooo Nurse. I like that Finnish guy with all those Rs too. Oh thanks for doing this a second time James Duthie you are not as good as Uncle Bob but you are OK.

Rasmus Ristolainen.

Smartest player in the OHL? That’s like being the nicest canoe-based plastic surgeon in Reno, Nevada isn’t it?

You have to throw a bunch of extra stamps on an envelope that big.

14th is the Beejers. BREATHE EASY. Most improved blah blah I like Artem Anisimov

CONFERENCE III WINNIPEG!

OH THE JETS FELL OFF THE BOARD

Daly clearly wants this to move on.

It wasn’t rigged for Philly!!!! Conference III Dallas Stars! Wlecome Jim Nill or NiII (it’s all I’s).

This is pretty boring you guys because it’s all been the same. I forgot the Devils were in the finals.

The Sabres actually finished BETTER than I thought they did. Hey the Oilers lost something else. EL OH ELL.

Jay Feasteer just asked someone if they were gonna finish that (that is a donut).

The Preds are not worse than fourth that is good. Barkov?

There was no “12″ in “12-13″ Duthie. Remember the lockout. Ask Daly about it. Pat Verbeek is gonna kill that Panthers guy.

CONFERENCE III!!!!! WE WON SOMETHING! ALREADY CHAMPIONS CONFERENCEIII WAY TO GO AVS. NO:

WAY THREE GO AVS!

Seriously who is this guy? “We’re in the process stage I am responsible for selecting the seventh round pick if they are from southern or eastern europe but not Scandinavia that’s another guy I’d kill for his job have you ever watched Albanian hockey”

Seth Jones is a great pick for COlorado. Seth Jones has a seriously beefy headshot. Can we get a Barkov interview Duthie? What’s Uncle Bob doing? I bet he’s drinking a Molson, rocking out to The Hip and not wearing a stitch below his waist.

We are only getting the last 30 minutes here in the USA obviously but how long has this been going on in Canada? Since like 9:30 AM is my best guess.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Hey teams that tuned into to watch the lotto here are the playoff match ups not involving your teams we’ll be doing a full 22 hours starting next.