Thursday Thirteen: Cold Blooded

by J.R.

Every Thursday we bring you III Communication’s Conference III Power Rankings, the Thursday Thirteen.

This week, it’s flipping cold.

1. Chicago Blackhawks: Back to the top of the list for the team from the Windy City. Always good at United Center, the ‘Hawks are a boffo 12-4-1 on the road.

2. St. Louis Blues: Eight points back of the division lead, but with five games in hand (!), the Blues have only allowed 67 goals in 29 games.

3. Charlie Coyle: We all know the story of Charlie Coyle: a super-talented youth hockey player forced by geography to play on the wrong side of the tracks with a gang of misfit losers coached by the drunk son of Martin Sheen. Eventually this team of dingbats would win the city title, a world championship and knock off some prep school haircuts. Coyle never stopped, now playing for his hometown Wild. And he knows how to pay it forward.

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4. Minnesota Wild: Why is the Wild’s Fenwick close going on a precipitous decline? Maybe it has to do with playing on the road. Exceptional at the Xcel Center (13-3-2), they are the only Conference III team below Bettman .500 on the road (5-7-3).

5. Christopher McComas: McComas, who works for West Virginia’s Marshall University, is not currently a Conference III resident, but he wants to be. He wants to be the new coach at the University of North Dakota, despite having no, shall we say, formal qualifications for the job. In the grand tradition of Conference III, he is undeterred:

Here is the letter he submitted to UND athletic director Brian Faison:

“Mr. Faison,

I would like to express to you my interest in your now open position for head coach of football at the University of North Dakota

Currently, I work in IT at a college in West Virginia, but I have many years of experience with football, starting with attending my first Marshall University football game when I was 3 years old. In the past 30 years I’ve only missed a handful of Marshall’s home games, attended many road games, and all of their bowl games.

All the while I played various football games including Madden on Sega Genesis where I completely dominated with the Bills and Thurman Thomas. Seriously, was he a beast on the game or was he a beast because I was a football genius controlling him? I then moved on to a Playstation gaming system and purchased NCAA Football every year and put together several programs that completely dominated the recruiting scene and college football winning several national titles with Marshall University. I took them from a decent Mid-American Conference School on the game to a perennial national power that makes Nick Saban look like a chump. One year my third string quarterback left school early to enter the NFL Draft, he was a first round pick. Boom.

My football philosophy is basically an attacking one. We’re going to give AIR RAID a whole new definition. Theoretically how many times do you think a team can pass in a game? Challenge accepted. We’re going 5 wide, chucking the pigskin all over the place. Never punt. Onside every time. Chip Kelly will be calling me to learn my offense. We will put on an exciting brand of football, we will pack them into the Alerus Center night in and night out, go ahead and blow the roof off the place and add about 35,000 seats to that place.

I would love to speak with you further regarding this opening and what I can bring to UND, putting UND back on the national map and making NDSU our (b****).

Attached to this email you will find a PowerPoint with more information.

Thanks,

Christopher McComas

PS – I prefer Coke to Pepsi, so go ahead and fill the fridge up in the head coach’s office with Coke.”

6. Colorado Avalanche: Colorado, like St. Louis, has only played 29 games and in those 29 games have given up but one more goal than the Blues. Seems the Avs are coming back to earth a bit (still winners of six of their last 10, though), but they may have banked enough early points to be noisemakers all year.

7. NHL Organist Alert: Do you like organ music with your hockey? I do, and of course you do, because you are not lame. Give a follow to @OrganistAlert, a genius account that tweets out the musical selections of the league’s captains of the keyboards. To wit:

8. Dallas Stars: Will the Stars ever make the Top 7? Maybe winning The Belt off Nashville tonight will get them there.

9. St. Louis IKEA: Is the wacko Swedish homegoods maker trolling Nashville by locating in St. Louis?

10. Nashville Predators: The Predators got goals from Nick Spaling, Rich Clune, Matt Hendricks and Paul Gaustad in front of a strong effort by Carter Hutton, but inexplicable 13-16-26-28-30 did not win the Powerball.

11. Fancy Outlaw Chickens: Nashville has really weird rules about raising chickens in urban areas. Like, completely devoid of understanding. But because Goodlettsville is only sort of part of consolidated government, that city has its own rules about chickens, which are far easier to understand (to wit: you can’t keep chickens). But a brave couple wants to keep their silkies! Fight on, weirdoes!

12. Winnipeg Jets: On an equal points pace with Nashville, the Preds tick the Jets because, duh, The Belt.

13. Onions: A state of war now exists between the United States of America and onions:

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