The [Redacted] Week in Review with Obscene Alex: Crown of [Fecal Matter] Special Edition
Howdy, [door-opening device consumers] and welcome to the Conference III Week in Review. I’m your host, Obscene Alex and this week we’re going to take a short break from your regularly scheduled programming so you can get caught up on a new feature I’m introducing because it needs some explanation and because the Stars are plodding along like a [cursed] neo-hippy in a hypermiling Prius, having won just one [scheduled] game this calendar year, and I would rather focus on something else.
After some heartfelt reflection, I simply can’t stomach the Conference III Championship Belt’s existence in the absence of its inverse. Every hero needs a villain, every yin needs a yang, and every [socket] needs a [plug] – or whatever combination of parts floats your boat. I don’t judge in that regard.
With that in mind, I’ve devised the Conference III Crown of [Fecal Matter-Infused Posterior Hair]. Before we get into the details, though, I probably need a better name – J.R. will probably redact that to “Fecal Matter-Infused Posterior Hair,” and frankly, that’s just not as catchy, so let’s just go ahead and shorten it to the Conference III Crown of [Fecal Matter]. Yes, J.R., you read that right… I just redacted myself to ensure at least some editorial control over the award nomenclature. I hope that doesn’t get your [bow tie] too twisted up, my friend.
We also need a logo for the Crown of [Fecal Matter], but my graphics skills are on par with an ape using MS Paint and I can’t just use The Royal Half’s logo because that actually would be copyright infringement, so I’m currently accepting logo designs on Twitter at @ObsceneAlex.
Now that we’ve settled on a name and hopefully have a logo in the works, let’s go through what this award is and is not. This award is not to reward failure like the Bettman/loser (those words are synonyms) point, but rather it exists so I can share a weekly dose of schadenfreude with you.
Just so I don’t create any confusion, this award works exactly the same way as the Conference III Championship Belt except for one key difference – the loser of a Crown matchup gets their flow [be-fouled], stinky, and filthy and can’t wash off the shame until they win against another Conference III opponent so they can pass the Crown off to the next loser. As Belt matchups began with the first-ever Conference III game, Predators at Blues on October 3, so began the Crown matchups. Let’s trace things back…
New wearers will be bolded in the score line. Teams that shamefully retained the Crown will be in italics:
- 10/3/13 St. Louis 4, Nashville 2
- 10/4/13 Colorado 3, Nashville 1
- 10/8/13 Nashville 3, Minnesota 2
- 10/10/13 Minnesota 2, Winnipeg 1
- 10/11/13 Dallas 4, Winnipeg 1
- 10/18/13 Winnipeg 4, St. Louis 3
- 10/26/13 St. Louis 6, Nashville 1
- 11/6/13 Nashville 6, Colorado 4 (Nashville retained the Crown for 11 days due to their schedule)
- 11/14/13 St. Louis 7, Colorado 3
- 11/19/13 Colorado 5, Chicago 1 (Colorado got rid of the Crown after 13 days)
- 11/21/13 Chicago 6, Winnipeg 3
- 11/23/13 Minnesota 3, Winnipeg 2
- 12/10/13 St. Louis 2, Winnipeg 1
- 12/12/13 Colorado 4, Winnipeg 3
- 12/14/13 Dallas 6, Winnipeg 4
- 12/27/13 Winnipeg 6, Minnesota 4 (Winnipeg was a royal turd for 36 days straight)
- 12/31/13 St. Louis 2, Minnesota 1
- 1/11/14 Colorado 4, Minnesota 2
- 1/12/14 Minnesota 4, Nashville 0 (Minnesota closes out 16 days with the Crown, giving Nashville the first Crown of [Fecal Matter] shutout)
- 1/18/14 Colorado 5, Nashville 4
Number of Titles
- Dallas 0
- Chicago 1
- Colorado 1
- St. Louis 1
- Minnesota 2
- Winnipeg 2
- Nashville 3
Total Number of Days Owned
- Dallas 0
- Chicago 2
- St. Louis 8
- Colorado 13
- Minnesota 18
- Nashville 22
- Winnipeg 44
Dallas will attempt to avoid wearing the Crown for the first time this season today in Nashville where the Predators are currently wearing the [poophat].
[Ed. note: I'll list the current wearer of the Crown of Fecal Matter at the bottom of the static Belt page]