The [Redacted] Week in Review with Obscene Alex: Is This [Excreta] Over Yet?
If you’re like me, you’re [thrilled beyond compare] that the Olympics are over and we can get back to our regularly scheduled program of hating each other over geographically closer teams.
In case you missed it, here are some highlights from the past couple of weeks:
- No NHL hockey was played. None. It was [not the schedule to which I had grown accustomed, and therefore it angered me to a great degree].
- Don Cherry stroked several cocks (as in roosters) before presumably deciding on at least one to take home and fondle and call his own [Ed. note: While juvenile, this joke does not rise to the level of obscenity because...well, I mean.]
- Grapes also created this mysterious tweet later in his Sochi visit. What is sold out? Who are “they?” If the item is sold out, how is it appearing in the photo? The singular “one” just adds to the mystery… it implies the item could not possibly be in his immediate vicinity in the photo if he is, in fact, wanting to buy “one” and not “a second,” “a third,” etc. or else he could buy the last one and be on his merry way. It has to be something else and as I see it, there are three possibilities: 1) Grapes drank the Sochi water and is seeing things, which is entirely possible and would explain the outlandish headgear and suit. He always dresses like that, you say? Well, I suppose we can rule that one out. 2) He is referring to the arena itself. I would completely agree that this is what he meant, except that Grapes hates anything non-Canadian when it comes to hockey and that ice surface is too big for his taste. 3) He’s talking about the bemused middle-aged Russian guy in the lower right of the frame – and clearly, he is, because we just ruled out the first two possibilities. Don Cherry, slave trader. Could this Olympics get any worse?
- As it turns out, yes, it could. Paul Martin was lost to Pittsburgh for an unknown amount of time, Mats Zuccarello will miss 3-4 weeks for the Rangers, Henrik Zetterberg gambled with his bad back and lost, and a very terrible and very New York Islanders injury happened to John Tavares. May they all get well soon.
- On the bright side, areas outside of Texas finally noticed just how good Jamie Benn is.
- As for everything else, this pretty much sums it up:
As a quick note on the eve of our return to NHL action, Chicago still wears the Crown of [Fecal Matter]. Sources in Illinois tell me fans are making dreadlocks with the [donkey gel]. Tuesday, March 4 vs. the Avalanche is their first chance to get rid of it. Enjoy it until then, Butthawks!