[Redacted] Week in Review: Stop the [Bovine Excreta]

by obscenealex

I’m not in a welcoming mood this week.  Get off my [well-manicured] lawn.

Oh, I have to write a column for you to read?  Well [gird yourself] then, you spoiled [solipsist].  Here it is:

  • By now you know that I’m a Stars fan, and they gave me mostly bad news this week, so I’m going to get them out of the way first so I can bask in other people’s misery and end this on a high note.
  • First, the most serious item of the week: a tragedy averted.  Players jumped onto the ice, banged sticks, yelled at the refs, and threw towels on the ice to stop play and at first, nobody knew why.  Players and coaches on both teams looked distraught.  Lindy Ruff’s face was as gray and worried as I’ve ever seen someone.  Scanning down the bench, one player was absent – Rich Peverley.  Online video of the incident eventually showed Peverley being carried, limp, down the tunnel – and the elapsed time between his collapse and him receiving medical attention from the medical staff of both teams and one fan was a mere 14 seconds. Peverley is now out for the season and this may or may not end his career, but what matters is that he’s alive.  I hope his upcoming surgery is a success, he lives a long life, and this never happens to him again.
  • Peverley-Lebron meme

    Stop creating, perpetuating, or freaking out about [idiocy] like this.

    What matters in any situation like that is the condition of the person or people involved and their loved ones.  Nothing else matters.  Definitely not some [piddly] meme.  Grow up, [doofus], and stop trying to boil down a near death episode into some sort of [poorly-crafted] joke.  Your overreaction to some [reductive] meme doesn’t matter, either – whether or not the meme is disrespectful, exemplary of an inferiority complex, or indicative of racism.  Take a deep breath and find something else to be outraged about that matters more – if you need some help getting started, let me know and I’ll make you a [lengthy] list of things that do a much better job fitting that bill outside our happy world of bread and circuses.  Finally, just so this doesn’t become too meta, don’t spend a whole [note-perfect] column [grousing] about the outside drama going on around a crisis.
  • That game was suspended.  However, an emotionally-distraught team had to pull it together and play the next night in St. Louis, where miraculously, they won without Kari Lehtonen, Alex Chiasson, or Peverley, earning the Conference III Championship Belt in the process.  Tim Thomas, who still looks like a Christmas tree in his Florida pads, performed admirably mopping up after Kari Lehtonen went down against the Wild on Mike Modano Night and played well against the Blues.  Everything was [sunshine and unicorns].
  • Flammies

    These Flammies are on sale here, although why you would risk being caught dead in them I have no [reasonable] idea.

    A couple of nights later, the Stars blew a two goal lead against the Call Gary Flammies, went to OT, and then lost in the shootout.  Even though it came against the Flammies, the loss was excusable.  The Stars had been on an emotional roller coaster and due to injuries, were playing with six rookies (Chiasson, Nichushkin, Connauton, Sceviour, Mueller, and Morin).  Plus, the Obscene Play of the Week came out of it.  I still ate Mike Cammalleri’s family for dinner afterwards, but I let the loss slide.
  • Gary Bettman

    Can you imagine this thing chewing its way out of a uterus?

    Unfortunately, the Stars lost the Conference III Championship Belt in [nocturnal fecal incontinence] incident that shaped up to be the Obscene Blowout of the Week last night against the Peg Jorts, losing 7-2 in an effort I can only describe as [plain] awful.  No, wait.  I have other descriptive equivalencies: Steve Ott convinced them to play roshambo and that he should go first…  They got so drunk they woke up with a Ducks tattoo…  Sean Avery came to their birthday party and wouldn’t leave…  They gave birth and Gary Bettman came out…  You get the idea.  Personally, I blame Harrison Mooney for jinxing the team.

  • At the end of it all, Dallas is tied with the [Phoenixing] Coyotes while the Cantnucks and the Jorts lurk close behind.  Just like every season this time of year, the Stars are finding ways to beat great teams and finding ways to lose to bad teams.  It’s make or break time and Dallas is showing early signs of crapping out, but unlike some of these bottom dwellers that should really be concentrating on tanking at this point, their destiny is still in their hands.  They can either pull together as a team and fight through adversity for their first playoff run since 2008 or they can implode.  Stars fans have been given hope that this team is different – that this team might not fold under pressure – and now we’ll see if that’s true.
  • Speaking of the Jets, fans can be [real meanies].  In this case, they were Jets fans.  Way to be big tough men, picking on an 11 year old.  Kudos to John Tavares for coming through for the kid.
  • … and speaking of teams that should be tanking right now but aren’t, the Perds won 3 of 4 this past week with Pekka Rinne back in form and the team somehow finding ways to score goals.
  • Jeremy Jacobs

    Jacobs, you old [son of an unindicted co-conspirator in various murders and RICO investigations]. I bet you smell like adult diapers.

    In another wave of disappointment, Tyler Seguin reached just 30 goals and 69 points this week.  He clearly parties too much and would be a much more effective player if he buckled down and learned some responsibility instead of drinking and carrying on all the time.  If that joke is starting to sound like I’m beating a dead horse, just recognize that I’m going to go ahead and keep beating it the entire time Seguin plays in a Stars uniform as a reminder for a franchise owned by Montgomery Burns, lover of lockouts.  May Seguin wear Victory Green for a very long and fruitful time.
  • Let’s move on to something that will make us all feel better.  I know!  How about the fact that the Butthawks still wear the Crown of [Fecal Matter] despite playing both Colorado and Nashville this past week?  Holy [moley], Chicago, you smelly [by-blows].  The Butthawks may have acquired the Fecal Fedora January 23, 2014 against the Wild, but the last time Chicago beat a Conference III team was December 27 of last year.  Here’s a slice of Butthawks fans caught up in the moment, responding to receiving a Windy City Rumbler from Nashville during and after the game:

… and finally, acceptance:

  • Chicago’s next opportunity to share the Turd Toque, should they decide to stop hoarding it, comes Wednesday against St. Louis.  The Blues are 19-0-2 against Conference III opponents, however, so the wait may be even longer.
  • On a very positive note, how about a big HELL YEAH to the Team USA sledge hockey team for their Gold Medal win against Russia?  America shut out Russia, 1-0.
  • Finally, if you don’t follow me on Twitter, you should be [truly] ashamed of yourself.  I just passed the 2,000 tweet mark this week and they’ve all been just as terrible as this shameless attempt at self-promotion.

That’s all for now.  If you wanted more, you can go [read Dante].