[Redacted]: Crown of Fecal Matter Update
It’s almost the end of the season… that time of year when the Crown of [Fecal Matter] stops traveling, settles down, and gets comfortable on the heads of players, occasionally being removed so they can eat Cheerios out of it, bathe their kids in it, and maybe even throw it off balconies and give it lap dances. Will players from your team spend the summer getting frisky with the Fecal Fedora? Let’s review where the Sombrero de Mierda has been and where it may end up. As always, new wearers are bolded. Teams shamefully retaining the Crown are italicized.
- 10/3/13 St. Louis 4, Nashville 2
- 10/4/13 Colorado 3, Nashville 1
- 10/8/13 Nashville 3, Minnesota 2
- 10/10/13 Minnesota 2, Winnipeg 1
- 10/11/13 Dallas 4, Winnipeg 1
- 10/18/13 Winnipeg 4, St. Louis 3
- 10/26/13 St. Louis 6, Nashville 1
- 11/6/13 Nashville 6, Colorado 4 (Nashville retained the Crown for 11 days due to their schedule)
- 11/14/13 St. Louis 7, Colorado 3
- 11/19/13 Colorado 5, Chicago 1 (Colorado got rid of the Crown after 13 days)
- 11/21/13 Chicago 6, Winnipeg 3
- 11/23/13 Minnesota 3, Winnipeg 2
- 12/10/13 St. Louis 2, Winnipeg 1
- 12/12/13 Colorado 4, Winnipeg 3
- 12/14/13 Dallas 6, Winnipeg 4
- 12/27/13 Winnipeg 6, Minnesota 4 (Winnipeg was a royal turd for 36 days straight)
- 12/31/13 St. Louis 2, Minnesota 1
- 1/11/14 Colorado 4, Minnesota 2
- 1/12/14 Minnesota 4, Nashville 0 (Minnesota closes out 16 days with the Crown, giving Nashville the first Crown of [Fecal Matter] shutout)
- 1/18/14 Colorado 5, Nashville 4
- 1/20/14 Nashville 4, Dallas 1 (Dallas wears the [Stinky] Stetson for the first time this season)
- 1/21/14 Dallas 4, Minnesota 0 (Second shutout in the history of the Crown)
- 1/23/14 Minnesota 2, Chicago 1 (Dallas still leads in least times worn, tied with Colorado and St. Louis)
- 1/26/14 Winnipeg 3, Chicago 1
- 3/4/14 Colorado 4, Chicago 2 (Breaks longest ownership record previously held by Winnipeg)
- 3/12/14 Colorado 3, Chicago 2 (This thing is growing mold)
- 3/14/14 Nashville 3, Chicago 2 (Have some self-respect, Chicago)
- 3/19/14 Chicago 4, St. Louis 0 (The top team in the conference also owns the Poop Hat. Welcome to Conference III.)
- 3/27/14 St. Louis 5, Minnesota 1
Number of Titles
- Dallas 1
- Colorado 1
- St. Louis 2
- Chicago 2
- Winnipeg 2
- Nashville 3
- Minnesota 4
Total Number of Days Owned
- Dallas 1
- Colorado 13
- St. Louis 16
- Nashville 23
- Minnesota 24 days and counting
- Winnipeg 44
- Chicago 59
As of Thursday, Minnesota now wears the Scheiße Hut and frankly, Mike Yeo’s recent performances demand it after his team has gone 4-4-2 in their past ten with piss-poor roster decisions. Luckily for them, their playoff chances currently sit at over 83% in spite of their ineptness.
Minnesota has four opportunities to pass the дерьмо шляпа before the end of the season, and as Conference III Head of Censorship and Hater of Freedom J.R. Lind has laid out what will happen with the Conference III Championship Belt, so I will summarize what the possibilities are for the Skit Hatt:
St. Louis could end the season with it if:
- Minnesota beats Chicago 4/3; Chicago beats St. Louis 4/6; Minnesota beats St. Louis on 4/10; Dallas beats St. Louis on 4/11.
- Minnesota keeps the Merde Chapeau until 4/10 and then beats St. Louis; Dallas beats St. Louis on 4/11.
Colorado could end the season with it if:
- Patrick Roy stole it out of turn for his own personal enjoyment.
Chicago could end the season with it if:
- Minnesota beats Chicago on 4/3; St. Louis beats Chicago 4/6; Nashville beats Chicago on 4/12.
Minnesota could end the season with it if:
- Minnesota beats Chicago 4/3; Chicago beats St. Louis 4/6; St. Louis beats Minnesota 4/10; Nashville beats Minnesota 4/13.
- Minnesota beats Chicago 4/3; Chicago beats Nashville 4/12; Nashville beats Minnesota 4/13.
- Minnesota loses all 4 remaining Conference III games and cherishes the Dritt Hat until next season.
Dallas could end the season with it if:
- Minnesota beats Chicago 4/3; Chicago beats St. Louis 4/6; St. Louis beats Dallas 4/11.
- Minnesota hangs onto the Turd Toque until 4/10 and beats St. Louis; St. Louis beats Dallas 4/11.
Winnipeg could end the season with it if:
- Minnesota, still owning the Chapo Kaka on 4/7, beats Winnipeg.
Nashville could end the season with it if:
- Minnesota beats Chicago 4/3; Chicago beats St. Louis 4/6; St. Louis beats Minnesota 4/10; Minnesota beats Nashville 4/13.
- Minnesota beats Chicago 4/3; Chicago beats Nashville 4/12; Minnesota beats Nashville 4/13.
- Minnesota hangs onto the Szar Kalap until 4/13 and beats Nashville.
If you need a simpler explanation of the above scenarios, please review the below video.