Thursday Thirteen: The Day After

by J.R.

Every Thursday we bring you the III Communication’s Conference III Power Rankings, the Thursday Thirteen.

This week, we celebrate things past.

1. Chicago Blackhawks. It’s going to be awfully hard to knock the ‘Hawks off their aerie, but there is a chance coming up for someone. Chicago’s next four games are all against Conference III opponents, including a huge game tonight against the Blues and a Brunchrence III game Saturday in Nashville.

grim+reaper+battleship2. The Curse of The Oldest Person. Once again, this curse — more reliable than Old Faithful, that stupid goat in Chicago, No No Nanette, the SI cover and Jason & The [Nashville] Scorchers combined — claims a victim: Elsie Thompson, America’s oldest woman died in her Florida condo. You’re on notice, Jeralean Talley — you can run, but the curse will catch you.

3. Minnesota Wild. The Fightin’ Adjectives have lost a pair heading into tonight‘s nightcap against Los Angeles. Of course, they’ve won seven of their last 10, so things aren’t too bad in the Twin Cities, which just annexed Pominville. The Wild are very pleasantly and politely loaded up for a playoff run.

fruit-snacks4. Fruit Snacks. There are many wonderful things about getting older and one of the top 500 is that the chances of needing orthodontic devices are very slim. And with no braces or other metallic invasion of your buccal space, it’s possible to eat delicious, sugary, gummy fruit snacks with impunity. The only drawback is that the fruit snack is packaged in comically undersized portions. A box of 24 I got for Easter disappeared by Monday afternoon.

5. St. Louis Blues. Speaking of seemingly unbreakable curses, will the Hemi-Semi-Demi-Quavers — who once qualified for the playoffs 175 years in a row — be what Jay Bouwmeester needs to scare off the monkey-demon who has plagued him lo these many years? It appears so with the Blues in eighth while having played fewer games than any other team in the Western Conference.

WilliamWalker6. William Walker. On Wikipedia’s William Walker disambiguation page, our No. 6 entry has a most delightfully understated explanation: “American filibuster in Latin America; briefly ruled Nicaragua.” As you do. The man in question — the Grey Eyed Man Of Destiny per a downtown Nashville historical marker —first traveled to Mexico to try to set up a colony (with or without the permission of the Mexican government) which he would populate with supporters of slavery and/or Manifest Destiny, funding this venture by selling money he made up. He eventually succeeded in conquering a portion of Mexico, but was tried by the US for starting an illegal war (which he was absolutely guilty of doing) but was acquitted in eight minutes by a sympathetic jury. He’s most famous, probably, for conquering and ruling Nicaragua, being arrested on somewhat dubious grounds by the U.S. Navy, who then turned him over to Honduras — who summarily and predictably executed him. Walker had stones, though, misguided though his principals were.

7. Winnipeg Jets. It says a lot about the rump Southeast Division that Winnipeg, playing .500ish hockey is in first by two points. Certainly, that’s incongruous, but Winnipeg playing in the Southeast is a pretty silly notion to begin with. The Jets have cushily been placed in the middle of these rankings for a few weeks by virtue of their leading a division. They get the benefit of the doubt — and the benefit of not having to play other Conference III teams — but they’re going to have prove something here if they want to maintain this sort-of lofty status.

8. Nashville Predators. The Predators are 4-1-2 over their last seven, stubbornly refusing to deny they are out of the playoff conversation. Of course, the team shipped off leading scorer, Number One Fraidy Cat and Pixar Villain Martin Erat and will go with some sort of slot-machine version of their lines in the final few weeks. They, like Chicago (who they play twice this weekend), have four games coming up against Conference III opposition.

250px-Fainted9. Faint goats. The official livestock of Conference III, the myotonic goat is a neat barnyard parlor trick if your parlor is in a barnyard, which would be weird but sort of pleasant if the weather was nice and there was no chance of rain. Scientists are at a loss as to what evolutionary purpose the random fainting serves, but scientists have never been involved in a skirmish line against mercenary Hessians, when a trusty goat friend can alert you faster than any radar that the enemy approaches. And scientists have never been wandering the wilderness, faced with a seemingly unfordable river. Herd these goats in the water, make a loud noise: instant footbridge. Also, goats of all kinds serve the crucial purpose of generating hilarious news stories.

10. Dallas Stars. Kudos to the Stars’ President Jim Lites — and let’s all enjoy that the Stars are led by Lites — for this letter to the fans laying out the broad strategy in which the team is engaged. We’re calling it their Depacification.

scissors-left11. Left-handed scissors. The only thing I do left handed is eat, because I eat boustrophedonically and switch hands halfway through each pass of the plate. But apparently, using normal-handed scissors is tough sledding for the cack-handed, so they get special scissors. If I had any interest in writing a mystery novel, it would involve the real-estate nightmare resulting from the death of the last Rockefeller and a pair of left-handed scissors.

12. Colorado Avalanche. Our Mountain Time frontiersman still standing watch and doing an admirable if futile job of it. Godspeed, Mile Highers! Your salvation comes soon enough.

13. Ryan Suter. Listen to this while you watch this:

And then click this.