IIIiteracy: 9 April 2013

by J.R.

A recap of tonight’s Conference III action with help from the geniuses at SportsYapper:

St. Louis 1, Nashville 0: I’m sure people yapped about this game. And I’m sure those yaps were as funny and awkward and creepy as ever. But there will be no yaps shared here.

I’d call this game feckless and gormless, but it’d be an insult to thugs, teenagers, suffixes and the late Roger Ebert, who so effectively and bitingly perfected this joke form.

I’d call it inert – but argon and xenon and their inert gas neighbors on the periodic table are also noble gases and there was nothing noble here. Just a skill-deprived, injury-riddled team — literally half-stocked with minor leaguers — playing a team happy to crassly sit on two points and who would have cynically taken just one if it came to it.

Nashville was frequently incapable of getting out of its defensive zone and when they did try to enter St. Louis territory, their offensive strategy appeared to be “try to draw an interference call at the blue line.”

St. Louis’s strategy was to cram as many bodies as possible in the neutral zone, which would anger us as negative and boring except that it was so obviously effective.

Oh yes, Pekka Rinne at times stood on his head, but no one noticed or cared because no one is enthralled by a circus act no matter how impressive when said circus act is performed in a vast grayscale wasteland so lifeless and dull Emily Dickinson would describe it as unnecessarily gloomy.

And Brian Elliot should be applauded for his shutout, because it was a matchless display of human endurance which kept him awake as he watched pass after pass from the various nameless Predators skittle away hopelessly.

What transpired at 501 Broadway was an embarrassing travesty the only positives of which were that the referees kept quiet and kept the game moving – indeed nearly 7 minutes elapsed in the 3rd without a whistle – and that the only people who tolerated it were die hards, masochists, fools and the metal bros singing “Witchy Woman” on my way out the door.

Ed. Note: Because the only way to truly cope with the kind of devastating horror that transpired tonight is to share it, I’m asking anyone who watched, attended, listened to or casually encountered this game or casually encountered anyone who watched, attended, or listened to this game to share your thoughts and memories with us at conferencethree[at]gmail[dot]com.

Chicago 1, Minnesota 0: Sounds like another Conference III classic up at St. Paul. Emery got the shutout and I guess the goalie controversy is over. As always, there’s the “not enough toughness” bro, my favorite. And ladies: no talking about how sexy the players are. Face-off percentage is OK, though.

Winnipeg 4, Buffalo 1: The Sabres are terrible and I don’t know what this means. Glad to see the Frigid-Airs get off the schneid.