Thursday Thirteen: Antepenultimately

by J.R.

Every Thursday we bring you III Communication’s Conference III Power Rankings, the Thursday Thirteen.

This week, we celebrate being next-to-next-to-last.

1. Responders.  We sort of abhor seriousness here at III Communication, but this week is different. It’s been trying and difficult and sad and scary for all kinds of reasons that are increasingly incomprehensible. Do what you’re able to do. Give blood. Help the volunteer fire department out in West, Texas with a few bucks. Cancel your New York Post subscription.

2. Chicago Blackhawks. The ‘Hawks are doing that thing where they don’t lose in regulation again, having picked up a point in nine straight and genuinely winning six in a row.

3. “Julia.” Once “Julia” of the University of Maryland’s Delta Gamma is inevitably dismissed from her position in the sorority, urlwe’d like to invite her to join the staff here at III Communication. Her missive to her sisters has gone what the kids call “viral,” and we think her words about the meaning of sports encapsulate the true meaning of Conference III (Ed. Note: her cursing has been replaced by various forms of the word “shelf”)

I’ve not only gotten texts about people being shelving WEIRD at sports (for example, being stupid shelves and saying stuff like “durr what’s kickball?” is not shelving funny), but I’ve gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team. The opposing. Shelving. Team. ARE YOU SHELVING STUPID?!! I don’t give a SHELF about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR SHELF-DARN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A SPORTS GAME? ARE YOU SHELVING BLIND?

UPDATE: Screencaps of her tweets!

4. St. Louis Blues. Ol’ Coach Sansabelt has ’em toodling along in the Gateway City. Patrik Bergland has a five-game goal-scoring streak and the shootout win over Vancouver Tuesday set the team back on track after a two-game blip against the ‘Hawks and Columbus.

5. Minnesota Wild. Remember when the Fightin’ Adjectives were cruising, all singular and descriptive, leading the Northwest? Now they are watching Columbus in the rear-view.

6. Brandon Yip. The Predators forward makes an appearance here despite being currently hurt and perpetually not particularly useful on the hockey rink. As part of the annual cover vote for the EA Sports game, each team, apparently, was required to nominate two (2) players. The Preds, wisely, chose Mike Fisher to tap into the hordes of Carrie Underwood fans who number in the zillions as anyone who has ever tweeted anything about Fisher or Underwood or their marriage or made a joke about their marriage or called her Yoko has learned. In what had to be a decision fueled by a desire not to split the Predator-fan vote, the team also nominated Yip, his three goals, five assists and his minus-9.2 CORSIREL. They know not what they do. We will push Brandon Yip to the heights of video game glory. III Communication readers, I beg of you: Win One For The Yipper.

7. Dallas Stars. Let’s presume the Stars get in the playoffs. Does anyone want to play them? They just went on a streak back-stopped by Richard Bachman, for goodness sake.

8. Giant African land snail.Florida-fights-invasion-of-Giant-African-land-snails These crop-killing super-beasts have invaded Florida and the people down there are flipping terrified because this gastropods are also gastronomes and eat 500 different plant species, including pretty much everything Floridians sell (oranges, soy, marijuana, social diseases, airbrush t-shirts, etc). In their native Africa, some folks eat the snail, probably because they are delicious and their invertebrate badassery is easily transferable to human DNA. Other folks eradicate them via the only effective means anyone has discovered: the flame-thrower. Not unlike David Backes, these guys carry a number of diseases and should not be allowed to live in your home.

9. Winnipeg Jets. Can someone please tell me what the lyrics to the Wings’ song “Jet” mean? Also, the Frigid-Airs are probably going to miss the playoffs.

A dead Habsburg is a better GM than this guy

A dead Habsburg is a better GM than this guy

10. The Pragmatic Sanction. Happy 300th Anniversary! Back in 1713, Charles VI, the Holy Roman Emperor, realized he was the last dude in the House of Habsburg. Habsburg house law was Salic, which basically means they were misogynistic jerk faces that never allowed a woman to inherit the family’s titles, including the primo Archduchy of Austria — the Holy Roman Empire was de jure elective, as it had been for centuries, but de facto, the Habsburgs were elected to the throne. So Chuck said any daughter he had would get the title. But he had to convince the other European courts of his decision. So he gave the French the Duchy of Lorraine, he sold the Spanish the Duchy of Parma and he closed up a colonial trading company for British approval. That’s some solid GMing, Charles VI. He would have eaten Jay Feaster’s lunch if Jay Feaster left it on his plate long enough for someone else to get close to. Chucky Six is our Silver BlackBerry nominee.

11. Nashville Predators. The Preds have lost seven in a row in regulation, a mark unequaled even in the Bob Boughner expansion team era. But they’ve never been bad enough to have a Top 5 pick either and it looks like they’ll get there.

12. Colorado Avalanche. The Avs are intriguing because while they are not a very good hockey team, they occasionally play these surprisingly good games. This is either because they are young or because of the thin mountain air.

13. Conspiracy Theorist Elvis Impersonating Poisoners Who Also Sometimes Pretend They Are Prince. Oh Kevin Curtis, not your best week. ‘Twas better when you were uncovering plots in Elvis competitions. Or embarrassing yourself and everyone else pretending to be Prince.

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