III Four Time

by J.R.

Over at Puck Daddy, Wysh and the gang asked readers to submit “their choices for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles proxies for all 30 NHL teams” [East here, West there].

It’s a fun idea and appeared to be well-executed until Colin Wilson was declared Nashville’s Donatello. Donatello — the brainy one — has as much to do with Colin Wilson — who confuses Santa’s reindeer with the planets of the solar system — as I do with J.R. Smith.

Therefore, naturally, we are assigning Conference III proxies for famous (?) quartets from history. Feel free to disagree.

Chicago Blackhawks as The Big Four Debutantes

The Big Four were a group of debutantes who made their debut on the Chicago social circuit in 1914. They were the inspiration for various characters in The Great Gatsby and all briefly dated Patrick Kane (Ed. Note: Disputed).

Ginevra_KingGinevra King: First of all, the best thing about Ginevra King is that her occupation on her Wikipedia page is “muse,” which is just as useful as “Calgary Flames back-up goalie.” Anyway. King is probably the most famous of the Big Four because she was immortalized as Daisy Buchanan in The Great Gatsby and as other characters in a number of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s other works, which had to be upsetting to Zelda. She was a real knockout, a beautiful star with an air of seriousness. She’s obviously Jonathan Toews.

Edith Cummings: 220px-Time_Cover_in_1924-08-25She was the first female athlete to appear on the cover of Time magazine, much as the Blackhawks would be the first hockey team on the cover of Sports Illustrated. She, like King, was immortalized in Gatsby as Jordan Baker, a fast-living (ahem) woman with a bit of a (ahem) reputation. Patrick Kane

2012-11-08 17:42Courtney Letts: Letts was a well traveled woman who was married four times and didn’t die until 1995, when she was 94. She wrote lots of great travel books, the result of her living in lots of places — and perhaps belying an inability to settle down. Just like Marian Hossa.

Margaret Carry: Carry was married to the same man and Fitzgerald once said she “stood straight.” We have no idea what that means. Michal Rozsival.

Colorado Avalanche as The Varnas

varnasBrahmins:  On a youthful team, precious few Avs have achieved the requisite number of years of experience and level of enlightenment and study to represent Hindu’s priest/scholar caste. Brahmins are expected to practice self-abnegation. For his experience, wisdom and the selflessness shown when he set aside his captaincy for the sake of the broader good: Milan Hejduk.

Kshatriya: The warrior-rulers of the Hindu system were responsible for leading a society at all times protecting when it was threatened, such as when depravity and decadence like trips to Las Vegas crept in. Probably. J-S Giguere.

Vaishya: The entrepreneurial caste known for both its hard work and its productivity were also responsible for the spread of culture and let’s face it the only news you heard about Colorado for most of the year was about Ryan O’Reilly.

Shudra: The manual laborers. Unsung. Unloved. Cody McLeod.

Dallas Stars as The Gang Of Four

Gang_of_Four_posterNo, not this one. This one.

Jiang Qing: Madame Mao had one of the finest sobriquets in the history of Asian Communism: “Great Flag-carrier of the Proletarian Culture.” There’s of course lots of revisionism and propaganda about the end of the Cultural Revolution, but it is widely believed that Jiang did indeed want power after the death of Mao Zedong. There is a power vacuum in Dallas and only a young leader can prevent a gerontocracy, like that which arose in post-Mao China. It falls to you, Jamie Benn.

Zhang Chunqiao: He once wrote a paper called “On Exercising All-Round Dictatorship over the Bourgeoisie,” which reminds me of the time Ray Whitney said this to Mayor’s Manor:

The problem that I see with players nowadays is they think their individual stats are what’s going to get them their next best contract. I find that if you continue to play on a winning hockey team, and do your part, your contract will come regardless.

Yao Wenyuan: There aren’t many literary critics on the Stars roster, but Yao Wenyuan is also notable for living longer than his fellow Gang members, like Trevor Daley, the longest-serving Star.

Wang Hongwen: As much a self-made man as can exist in Maoism, Wang rose up from the lowest working classes to the height of Maoist China (and then he got convicted of treason or whatever). Just like Vern Fiddler.

Minnesota Wild as The Four Horsemen

543406_10151447944255364_544590363_23336681_1552270467_nOf ‘rasslin, you pretentious jerks.

Ric Flair: Flashy, pretty superstar at the center of it all. Zach Parise.

Arn Anderson: The enforcer. The mustache. Cal Clutterbuck.

Ole Anderson: Cantankerous. Is Mikko Koivu cantankerous? He looks it.

Tully Blanchard: Ryan Suter, whether he likes it or not, is the most hated.

Nashville Predators as The Golden Girls

-1Dorothy Zbornak: Mindspeaker. Tall. Pekka Rinne.

Rose Nylund: Colin Wilson, for all the reasons he isn’t Donatello.

Blanche Devereaux: Rich Clune. It feels right.

Sophia Petrillo: Old, out-spoken, hilariously sized. Hal Gill.

St. Louis Blues as the Four Different Cups You Could Win In Mario Kart

Mario-Kart-64

Mushroom Cup: Grows in gross areas that are dark and not clean. David Backes.

Star Cup: Commie. Vladimir Tarasenko.

Flower Cup: Beautiful and delicate like a rose: Patrik Berglund.

Special Cup: Brian Elliott. You never know what you’re gonna get.

Winnipeg Jets as The Four Kings William

William-the-ConquerorWilliam The Conqueror: Somebody had to be first and that was the first King William — leading his charges from the south into a cold and unknown country. Good for you, Andrew Ladd.

William_II_of_EnglandWilliam II: In Norman French, he was known as Guillaume le Roux, William The Red. He was flamboyant, so his chroniclers have tended to be a little unfair. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it, Evander Kane?

King_William_III_of_England,_(1650-1702)_(lighter)William III: He’s better known as half of a pair with his wife, Mary. He led the Glorious Revolution and is one of the most important figures in British history. Therefore, it is only right that his equivalent is the greatest Winnipeg Jet of all: Blake Wheeler.

392px-William_IVWilliam IV: Only king for seven years, he was known as the Sailor King. He’s notable as the last monarch to pick a prime minister contrary to the will of his Parliament. It’s a role reversal — Parliament would typically be the Players’ Union in this analogy — but based on a contrarian attidude, we’ll give it to Ron Hainsey.

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