Thursday Thirteen: Last Dance

by J.R.

Every Thursday we bring you the III Communication’s Conference III Power Rankings, the Thursday Thirteen.

This week, it’s our last regular-season power rankings — we’ll have a final edition once it’s all said and done.

1. Chicago Blackhawks. The ‘Hawks goalie controversy solved itself last night, at least for a little while, as Ray Emery re-aggravated an old aggravation. No, not Jerred Smithson. Anyway, the ‘Hawks clinched the Presidents Trophy and are honoring the memory of James Monroe (born April 28, 1758) by steadfastly refusing any outside traipsing in the Conference III sandbox.

orangutan-tool-use-fishing2. Orangutans. We had a good run, fellow Homo sapiens and also St. Louis Blues fans. The Simian Ascendency is upon us. Orangutans have learned to fish with spears, which means it’s only a matter of time before they learn to hunt with spears and then it’s a short leap to stabbing human with spears and just a few more steps to putting on their own productions of King Lear and setting up bureaucracies. Orangutans lead Conference III in ArmLengthRel.

3. St. Louis Blues. The Blues currently sit in sixth in the West, which means they’ll face the winner of the Northwest, which means they have to play the fun dance of winning just enough to stay in sixth, but not enough to get into fifth. It’s an elastic situation, just like Ken Hitchcock’s slacks.

bill-clinton-salute4. Bill Clinton. Conference III is happy to claim Bill Clinton, as Arkansas is the isogonic center of the Nashville-St. Louis-Dallas triangle. Our 42nd president joined Twitter, fought malaria and gave a solid speech at George W. Bush’s library opening. Big week for him. He also had four hits in three games and leads Conference III in Snapchat Friend Requests.

5. Minnesota Wild. Minnesota can’t catch Vancouver, much to our chagrin, and haven’t clinched a playoff spot, much to theirs. The Fightin’ Adjectives close with Edmonton and Conference III foe Colorado, so they more or less can make their own way into the post-season.

patio-tomato_56. The “Patio” tomato. I got an itchy green thumb a few weeks back and decided to set out my vegetables even though it was about three weeks too early. I got one of these things and followed all the instructions and planted some Patio tomatoes. Now, we’ve had some warm days here, but more often than not, I’ve had to bring my plants in at night and wasn’t expecting much from these things until May or so. But I’ll be damned: that tomato plant has a mess of blooms and has set fruit. It’s like a guy riding an unsustainable PDO to a 50 goal season.

7. Winnipeg Jets. The Frigid-Airs are still somehow in the playoff hunt despite the fact they have disappointed Conference III with their Wild-esque tumble out of the divisional lead. They’ll need a win in their last game and some help elsewhere to get the honor of being hammered by the Pens in the first round, but we’re rooting for them.

Kent Hendrix8. Kent Hendrix. The headline says it all: “Mormon Bishop With Samurai Sword Runs Off Attacker.” The electoral college would have been a lot closer had Mitt Romney enlisted this battling bishop for his campaign. RUMOR: Colorado is considering him to replace Patrick Bordeleau, mostly because Hendrix can score a little, too.

9. Dallas Stars. The Stars have created a serious ethical challenge for Nashville fans. The Stars need a lot of help from the Predators in the next few days, as the Smilodons are taking on both Detroit and Columbus. Of course, for draft purposes, it’s in Nashville’s best interest to lose both games — which is abhorrent and solvable. But, of course, Conference III teams should be willing to destroy non-Conference III teams in the interest of aiding Conference III teams. BUT, consider The Chambers Pot.

dna-double-helix10. The Double Helix. Watson and Crick published their triumphant work on the structure of DNA April 25, 1953. You better like it, because a helix without a double is like a St. Louisian without a payday lender. It all falls apart.

11. Nashville Predators. Tuukka Rask’s little brother — coming off a 10-point year in Finland, will debut for Nashville tonight. His name is Joonas.

12. Colorado Avalanche. Why has no one in the greater Denver area made a parody of “Officer Krupke” about the Kroenkes?

13. Dallas Independent School District. Work on the counting gang: