Come With III If You Want To Live!

by J.R.

In last night’s game between some team from the 13 Colonies and some team from the Still The Colonies, April Reimer and Elisha Cuthbert swapped evil death looks.

Here’s the video (Cuthbert is the one that looks like the main porn star from The Girl Next Door):

In the meantime, we’ve learned that there is no bad blood:

And that Elisha Cuthbert wants us to keep it real:

And that dolphins are ninjas hellbent on humanity’s destruction:

But who was Mister #rudecomment, though? Friend of The III Schatzi Page has an idea:

OK, that’s probably the right answer. But what if it isn’t Offscreen Dude? What if it’s this guy?

reimer_cuthbert_640

In the middle of the WAG section at a Toronto-Boston game — the second least Conference III-ey game of these playoffs (Rangers-Caps is the least III-ey, if you’ll remember), this fellow is wearing a NorthStars cap.

He’s no mere hero. He’s a Threero!

Maybe he’s a Dallas fan throwing back. Maybe he’s a Minnesotan. For all we know, he could be repping those Nashville SouthStars. Hell, maybe he just likes the colors. But the fact is, this guy is caught up in the greatest Canadian controversy of all-time and it is our duty to save him.

Conference III Country covers an area roughly the size of India and Pakistan combined. Within these vast swath of country: some of the world’s emptiest and most forgotten areas — the Dakotas, Montana, the bayous of Louisiana and any major showering facilities in St. Louis. We can hide you, Crypto-Conference III-ian.

It will take all of our combined skills to get you into the safe and loving arms of your homeland.

Winnipeg — we’ll need you to get him out of Toronto. As our only Canadians, you know this world and their ways, with your cot-caught merger and your rising vowels.

Minnesota — we’re counting on you and your canoeing abilities to get him across the Great Lakes into Chicago, where Nashville will pick him up, using their sweet Robert Mitchum driving skills:

And get him to Dallas, where even the most famous people can hide in plain sight by the Golden Tee:

nowitzki-drunk

Exploiting the frequent airport connections, we’ll get him to Colorado.

And from there, he’s safe. NorthStars Hat Guy can hide anywhere in the vast and mostly empty American west.

We haven’t forgotten about you, St. Louis. We make fun of you a lot, but in this case, you have a unique skill set perfect for the requirements of this mission. Like the Bocchicchio family, you are equal parts dim and ruthless. We’re counting on you for protection. And, failing that, your scent will distract the bloodhounds or whatever it is the RCMP uses to track people.

We can help you, NorthStars Hat Guy. E-mail us at conferencethree [at] gmail [dot] com.

We’re your family now.

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