A Dozen Distractions for Decoration Day

by J.R.

let_us_help_youThe Memorial Day playoff game is a cruel reward.

Unlike other weekday games, the anticipation isn’t salved by the diversions of the workaday life. But because our Canadian cousins had their summer-starting holiday last week, the league refuses to drop the puck in the afternoon, as they would had the game been on an actual Sunday as opposed to a feels-like Sunday.

So here we are, six hours before the puck drops on Game Six in Detroit —the NHL couldn’t even use the one advantage of Eastern time and start this one early — and hairs are being yanked out across Conference III territory, bald spots appearing from Bald Mountain to the Bald Mountains.

You need to get your mind off the game, lest you wake up Tuesday morning Getzlaffed from the pressure.

As a public service, III Communication has 12 projects, a half-hour each, to keep your mind off the game.

1 PM: Listen to Nashville Skyline

Minnesota’s Bob Dylan named one album after a Conference III city. It’s 27:14 long and it starts with this:

1:30 PM: Solve This

Some of y’all like math. I don’t care for it myself. This is a doozy of a problem that requires dividing an eighth-order equation by a quadratic to get a sixth-order which can be split into a cubic which can then be solved for X, Y and Z.


X^2 = Y + a
Y^2 = Z + a
Z^2 = X + a

2 PM: Read The Clan McDuck Wikipedia Page

tree_large The Clan McDuck is Donald Duck’s extended family and their Wikipedia entry is more than 6,000 words long. That’s the same as the famous creeptastic short story “The Yellow Wallpaper.” And the Wikipedia entry directs readers away from the main Clan page for characters with longer back stories — like Donald and Scrooge McDuck.

The Clan McDuck Wikipedia entry is the archetype of unnecessarily exhaustive Wikipedia entries. And it should take a good sold half hour to get through it.

2:30 PM: Draw III Something

confer3Friend of the III Andrew Cieslak of Hockeenight (and who wrote this cool thing) suggested on Twitter that Dallas’ redesign should include a Conference III patch. And that all seven teams should include it, like college sports teams do with their conferences. At right, the logo designed by Mighty Mike D back in April. Do you have an idea? Email to conferencethree[at]gmail[dot]com

3 PM: Draw Me Something

Speaking of which, this blog needs a logo, too. If you can somehow incorporate a raccoon hibachi chef eating out of the Stanley Cup, that’d be great. Also to conferencethree[at]gmail[dot]com.

3:30 PM: Find Me Some Help

Scavenger hunt time. For an upcoming III Communication Special Project, I need writers of the correct comportment to match the stylistic ambitions of this blog (or who are at least so devastatingly earnest as to be funny for the rest of us).

Specifically, I need fans of or experts on: Dallas, St. Louis, Minnesota and Winnipeg.

Also people who despise: Colorado and Nashville.

Does this sound like you or someone you know? conferencethree[at]gmail[dot]com.

4 PM: Watch The Face Painter

seinfeld_episode109_337x233_040420061512Seinfeld made the best episode of television ever made about playoff hockey, even if it’s about some stupid coastal teams.

4:30 PM: Learn to Count In Cornish

I lived in Newquay, Cornwall for a few years while I was working here. The Cornish are very proud of the Cornish language, even though almost none of them speak it — although almost all of them speak Anglo-Cornish. It makes sense that no one’s bothered to learn Cornish, because most of the words look like what would happen if a Welsh Scrabble board got jumbled.

Here’s one to ten in Cornish: onan, dew, tri, peswar, pymp, hwegh, seyth, eth, naw, deg.

5 PM: Decide Who Dallas’ Coach Is Going To Be

I vote Lindy or Horachek. Thoughts?

5:30 PM: Figure Out A Better Studio Crew Than What NBC Has Now

Keep Liam McHugh, replace everyone else. If we can do this in 30 minutes, NBC should be able to do it before October.

6:00 PM: Make Dinner

You forgot to put something on the smoker because you were so stressed out. Brown a pound of ground beef (or shredded chicken). Add 4 cups of mixed vegetables (chefs choice), 2 cups of chopped potatoes, 1/2 cup of water and red wine, soy sauce, your glutamate enhancer of choice. Bring to a boil, then spread in a casserole dish. Top with cornbread batter (make your own if you aren’t a nerd, use Jiffy if you’re stressing). Bake at 400 for 25 minutes. Then name it because I’ve been incapable heretofore.

6:30 PM: Drink

Not that you haven’t been doing so all day, but make sure you’ve got that buzz on. Game starts in 30 minutes.