Torts For Dallas: III Reasons Why The Stars Are Aligning

by J.R.

John Tortorella should obviously coach the Dallas Stars now that he’s been canned by the Rangers.

Instead of risking our lives by actually asking the famously-prickly coach about moving to Big D, we came up with this brief photo essay

I. “Hey John, which conference do you want to be in next year?”

New York Rangers v Buffalo Sabres

II. “Cool. Do you, by any chance, have any experience with any of the cities in Conference III? Maybe you played for a team that has similar colors to Dallas…”


III. “Ah yes, you did play for the Nashville SouthStars, didn’t you? That’s awfully coincidental! Hey, John, when you were just a lad, what did you wanna do with your life?”


“Dooley? Like ‘Dooley, living in the holler?’ We’ve got plenty of moonshine in Conference III. Or Dooley like Dallas Cowboys’ wide receivers coach Derek Dooley? Probably easier to score his job if you’re in Dallas. And I like the chances of a good bathroom brawl with you and Patrick Roy squaring off. Where is musky? Lots of ’em in Minnesota; you’ll get to visit there a whole bunch! Come to Dallas, Torts. They need you. You need them. And we need this.”