IIIiteracy: 15 June 2013

by J.R.

A recap of tonight’s Conference III Stanley Cup Final action with help from the geniuses at SportsYapper:

Boston 2, Chicago 1 (OT): No awards post tonight on account of all the awards being won by dumbos and also, possibly, someone named Phyllis.

Here’s a little Chicago hospitality to open it up. Uneventful in the early going, including the typically inept Blackhawks power play.

A scramble in front of the net and a flurry of shots nets a goal for Patrick Sharp.

In the midst of a riveting troll job about the relative volume of Hawks fans, the home team has a goal reviewed and removed.

Anyway, Chicago out-shot Boston by a whole lot, and it may have been due, in part, to someone on the Bruins named “jagrold.”

More of the same to start the second, including the usually impotent Chicago power play. And despite being outshout 23-8 — WHICH DOESN’T MATTER — Paille ties it up for the Bruins.

The Hawks get another power play shortly thereafter. Guess what? It didn’t work!

A sneaking suspicion creeps in that Boston might get out with one. And the first-ever pre-accusation of trap hockey.

The third period is played very tentatively, slowly even.

And, overtime, of course.

Jagr hits an early post, his Edwardian facial hair slumping towards the obsolescence of a dying empire.

And then the game, finally, miraculously, catches its stride — a muscle car, finally finely tuned.

Conspiracy theorist Pen fans wander into the room.

And just like that — just like it always happens in overtime, suddenly: as a man shoots himself — Bollig coughs one up and Paille scores.

Come tomorrow, Boston will be back home…