The Sound & The Fury: The First Round Of The 2013 NHL Entry Draft Unedited

by J.R.

As I did for the lottery, today I give you my unedited thoughts on the draft as it happened.

8:58 AM: So far a quiet day. T-Murda will be joining me this afternoon for beer and burgers and Uncle Bob. It was just tweeted that teams will only have three minutes between picks in the first round, which shouldmake this bad boy move apace.

9:19 AM: Mock rankings:

christmas-vacation_randy-quaid_cousin-eddie-v-neck-face-bmp1) Mockingbird — sturdy, annoying, frequently used as a state bird
2) Mock turtle soup — because no one wants to eat actual turtles
3) Mock turtleneck — you say “dicky,” I say “tricky”!
4) Mock drafts
5) Matt Mauck
6) Mock games
7) Mock apple pie — just give me a real apple pie and stop being an a-hole.

9:32 AM: Did you know Michigan has higher hot dog standards than the rest of the country?

10:06 AM: First big decision of the day:


Ultimately opted for Saves The Day because they are New Jerseyers. Get-Up Kids got some consideration and our friend Codey made a good case.

Here’s a song by them as consolation:

Oh Kris Letangs staying in Pittsburgh becaye LOL Ray Shero trolls hard, i guess?

The Wild got a sixth and a guy with too many Ns for Justin Falk who is not Justin Faulk but who did have a pretty low PDO last year but lol Minnesota/fancy stats. Here’s a list of lighthouses in Minnesota.

11:00AM: First coup of coffee not sure how i made this lonf wihout this moning.

on news that Columbus is shopping Bobrovsky:

The worst draft day thing is the GMs and what not getting up and talking about how great the Cup champs and host city are. i’ll bet 10 fun loonies that Patrick Roy gets up and talks great noise about Chicago and Jersey.

10:27 AM: Text from TMurda: “…I might have to take a rain check on this afternoon. Last night’s Mexican fiesta has be [sic] wracked up currently. Let’s see how it plays out.”

11:00 AM: First cup of coffee not sure how i made it this long without.

On news columbus is shopping Bob:

11:11 AM: Our good buddy Cam Charron who helped out woith our draft coverage and by helped out I mean “did it,” sent over this interesting link.

11:45AM: Thraxy and former 3rd Rock from the Sun and current person on something called the Exes with the dude from scrubs and maybe newman? Kristen Johnston have a Twitter love affair. read his whol timeline because it’s incredible also she thinks the avs should take Mackinnon.

1:09 PM:

1:33 PM: Reports from Newark are that the first mups have been lit

1:39 PM: Emergency Target run! We are out of Diaper Genie bags at III Comm HQ!


one of these dudes just said “re-all-ity” which i am pretty sure is not a word. my wife does not like the word “sick” to be used as a symonym for “talented.” lol at the tsn not even pretending that sherman is actually going to make the pick. Jay Feaster asking Mike Gillis if he is going to finish that.

hi james duthie that tie is red as hell. we have our first GORD and our first Uncle Bob sighting. what is an “Ice Q”?  also the TSN graphic said “Pro ection” and “player compara le”

Gary MOFOIN BETTMAN giving no effs. Chris Christie and Cory Booker shouts-out. Lou Lamy just fell asleep.

No roll call? is sherman even at the table for colorado?

Our first Conference III selection — Nathan McKinnon as expected. He’s a Moosehead which is the head of a moose FYI. GET A SUIT COAT YOU BIG DUMMY WHAT ARE YOU A FARMER?

text from hungover tmurda “now the scary wait.”



Pre-order your Seth Jones gold jerseys today!

“Can we wrap this up, it’s just about dinner time” – Dale Tallon, old

And Seth Jones is a Nashville Predator. This is unbelieveable.

This is the greatest thing that has ever happened. Am I missing the joke on Jurassic Park and Drouin? Is anyone else thrilled about Jay Z negotiating with David Poile?

“They like US players and they like defensemen” so duthi know what’s happening.

“I want to say hi to all our fans at Dave & Busters becase you are all burning me in effigy.”

“I want to do tons of Nashville games.” – please no pierre

Seth Jones straight up calling out Colorado. EAT IT.

Seth Jones is nicknamed “Swee’ Pea,” by the way.

Carolina took that Lindholm guy, by the way. jay feaster just traded his pick for some hashbrowns

Jay Feaster has a half eaten kit kat in jis right pockert.

My wife just thought Pierre said “Big Russian weiner”

Edmonton figured out you have to have a defenseman. don’t tell coloado that on the power play.

“He has a big butt.” – my wife on nurse

what the hell is mactavish talking about. he saw a picture of nurse’s sister and excused himself?

What the hell is Brodeur doing? Is he retiring?

“Their package was larger” – pierre, dude

Make a fart niise Gillis.


Mike Modano goes with the subtley green tie and takes Nichushkin which is v. nice. pick if you ask me. Sam Morin can fight and hit so that should help Philly do whatever it is they are doing. Tie Domi is looking aroudn at these kids, sizing up if he could knock them out (he can).

I like the repeating of the trade, like we all have a universal roster that we are updating with every pick. Jets up. i can’t think of seven different ways i’d need water to come out of a hose

Josh Morrissey a little early. I guess Chevy said “please please please let me get what i want”

hey it only took 14 picks for duthie to tak about how great canada is.

The newest blue jacket Wennberg wins for best looking entourage. Very Swedishy.

garth snow is goin to select rick dipietro. or not. we are now in the part of the draft where i don’t know anything. nice to see sam adams replaced their shitty old song for a new shitty song. when do we get to the part of the draft where “compete level” drops to 3/5?

will ottawa pick somebody whose name is impossible to ponounce? dude from san jose gives zero effs about a build up.

i am starting to fade a little and need some food. starting to think hunter shinkaruk may be made up.


“There’s a pot of gold at the end of that rainbow” says Duthie. except it’s newark, so the gold has been pawned.

Jay Feaster just drafted a guy at 22 that Uncle Bob had in the late 40s. Good for you.

There he is Burakovsky out of sweden is ou first guy with a 3/5 compete level

anyway, finally shinkaruk goes to canvoucer and i am starting to wonder if this willever endw

whoa bergevin buddy that suit, brother. jay feaster watching the dominos order tracker there

marko dano has a high-level of sexy entourage and i am starting to really become hungry.

just to reiterate calgary makes no sense at all. what in the sweet hell, this first round has been on for almost THREE HOURS. THREE HOURS. somebody just said “eberle regularly” duthie teased the commercial but no. two more picks, botj belonging to conference iii

first up dallas: janice dickinson….wait jason.

and finally chicago:after this break. ryan hartman

welcome to conference iii, all.  i am going to eat ground-up deer now.