Thursday Thirteen: Fall Fell

by J.R.

Every Thursday we bring you the III Communication’s Conference III Power Rankings, the Thursday Thirteen.

This week, we’re feeling autumnal.

1. Colorado Avalanche: So the League Best Avs are PDOing somewhere in the Classic Rock Station range of the FM dial. But, hey, 6-0 is 6-0, right? If the season ended today, every coach in the league would be super-pissed except, ironically, Patrick Roy. Go figure.

2. Gnash: Touched on this last night, but Nashville’s mascot tweeted this out:

Maybe Conference III mascots can’t score a Canadian bank commercial, but they can do good deeds. Eat that, Carlton The Bear.

3. St. Louis Blues: Despite getting run around by the Sharks, St. Louis was still undefeated longer than anybody except those selfsame Sharks and the League Best Avs. Also, they actually beat the team at No. 4.

4. Chicago Blackhawks: If the Avs PDO is up in the Classic Rock range, the ‘Hawks are down there among the Modern Rock stations, which means, perhaps, their record is more reflective of their actual talent.

5. Joan Crawford: Born in San Antonio, Joan Crawford was rampaging long before Peter Horachek. Hemmed in on Broadway, she started a relentless campaign of self-promotion and became MGM’s biggest star.

Cursed as box-office poison, she roared to a comeback, winning awards for Mildred Pearce. And as if that wasn’t enough, she married into Pepsi money…and then there was her Conference III-level feud with Bette Davis:

Joan was married to the CEO of Pepsi Cola at that time so Bette made sure she had a Coca Cola machine installed in her dressing room. For a scene in which Bette had to drag Joan across the floor, Joan filled her pockets with rocks. And in those fight scenes, no stunt doubles were necessary. Despite this, the two actresses were described as consummate professionals, always remembering their lines and turning up to the set on time.

Even if it was motivated by the chance to give each other a good kicking. Said Bette “The best time I ever had with Joan was when I pushed her down some stairs in Whatever happened to Baby Jane.”

Baby Jane enjoyed rave reviews and widespread acclaim, with Davis nominated for a Best Actress Award at the Oscars. Crawford however, was not. Not to take this lying down Crawford came up with a plan. She called all the other actresses nominees offering to accept their awards on the night if they won. Strangely they agreed and so, when Oscar night rolled around, Davis and Crawford found themselves waiting side by side in the wings, with Bette “certain” that the prize was hers.

Imagine her horror as the name was announced “..Anne Bancroft for the Miracle Worker!” and Crawford coolly stepped forward to rapturous applause. “I almost dropped dead!” gasped Bette “I was paralysed with shock. To deliberately upstage me like that- her behaviour was despicable.”

Their claws continued to be out for one another for the remainder of their days, until Joan was the first to pass away from a heart attack. The tragedy did nothing to diminish Davis’ acid tongue; “You should never say bad things about the dead, only good…Joan Crawford is dead..Good.”

Would have challenged the top spot on our Heat Index.

6. Minnesota Wild: Pierre McGuire thinks the Wild are “fun to watch.”


7. Kentucky Bend: Of all the geographical weirdities in Conference III country this is the weirdest. First a map:


Weird, right? Explained:

Surveyors marking the boundary between Kentucky and Tennessee had only estimated where their line would meet the Mississippi; later, more detailed surveys revealed the location of this line to pass through north-south bends in the river, creating a division of the peninsula. The western border of Kentucky is designated as the Mississippi River, as is the eastern border of Missouri—thus the creation of a “notch” for Kentucky, but not for Tennessee.

Only 17 people live in the Bend these days and the joke’s on them — their mail comes through Tennessee and their kids go to school in Tiptonville. That’ll show you, surveyors!

8. Nashville Predators: If Colorado is PDOing a Classic Rock Station and Chicago is PDOing a Modern Rock Station, the Preds are PDOing a Country Station (of course). Sam Page with more:

9. Saves The Day: I own this Saves The Day t-shirt —

$T2eC16V,!)8E9s4l7bGIBSDO1+ov9w~~60_35It’s embarrassing that I own that shirt. It’s embarrassing that I wore that shirt. But my daughter kept pointing at the cactus so I told her it was a cactus and now she knows what a cactus is.

Old, embarrassing things serve purposes sometimes. They help us draw important metaphors. They score fun shootout goals. They help foster others to greatness.

Here’s a Saves The Day song:


10. Winnipeg Jets: Is “fuelled” spelled like this in Canada?

Screen shot 2013-10-16 at 11.11.11 PM

11. Carol Frances Omeara: Since Montana is in Conference III country we get to claim Ms. Omeara and Lord knows someone needs to:

Omeara was arrested Tuesday at about 10:40 p.m. after a police dispatcher received a call from a woman who said she could not get out of her vehicle, which was parked outside her residence on South 29th Street.

“When asked if she was having a medical or mechanical issue, the caller said, `No, I’m just too damn drunk,'” court records state.

An officer said he found Omeara inside the vehicle, which was parked about two feet from the curb. The woman reportedly told the officer she had been at a Billings bar for about five hours, had driven home but had been sitting in her car in front of her home for about four hours.

Prosecutors said Omeara told the officer she had consumed a pint of vodka. The keys to the vehicle were in her pocket, court records state.

12. Dallas Stars: The worst team in Conference III is 2-3. Small sample size or total dominance. You decide.
13. Charles Cornwallis, 1st Marquess Cornwallis: On October 17, 1781, this happened: