The [Redacted] Week In Review With Obscene Alex: 30 December 2013

by J.R.

200px-Profanity.svgOne of the greatest parts of the Conference III Festivus post was the commentary by a man we named “Obscene Alex,” whose vitriol was pungent, WordPress moderated his comment and I was forced to include his contributions in a highly-censored form.

Obscene Alex was kind enough to join the Conference III conversation on Twitter, locking up his oh-so-perfect handle and he has agreed, from time to time, to review the week in Conference III action for us. We’re pleased (and a little frightened) to present his first post (with my redactions in brackets):

Howdy, [fellow fans], and welcome to the Conference III Week in Review.  I’m your host, Obscene Alex, and these are my thoughts on the past week.

  • The week began with A Very Conference III Festivus.  I hadn’t ever celebrated Festivus because Seinfeld is one of the least funny sitcoms ever made, but my thought process was that if grievances are going to be aired, [certain Germanically-derived monosyllabic obscenities] are required for the proper emphasis.  Little did I know that WordPress would filter my comment and J.R. would heavily censor me in the article, but despite all that, here I am to grace you with my presence.
  • Other than all that [unexpected] censorship, my only major objection to the Festivus article was that my feat of strength was not included.  No disrespect to Lehtonen perched on top of the net – which I do love – but contrary to the announcer whining “that’s not what you do” about Roussel’s taunt after scoring, that is exactly what you [Frenching] do when you’re a pest trying to get under your opponent’s skin and you’ve just scored a slick, clutch, game winning goal on a penalty shot.
  • Bad-Santa-1-1000Continuing on the holiday theme, many teams released holiday videos this past week… or month.  Chicago put out one on a movie parody theme, St Louis butchered the 12 Days of Christmas and offered up outtakes on top of that, Minnesota and Winnipeg released bland offerings, and the Perds used JibJab to put together a [blasphemously] awful holiday Macarena to go with their previous and slightly better Trans Siberian Orchestra rendition.  The only thing holiday related I could find out of Colorado was fashionista Patrick Bordeleau’s shopping adventure.  Bah [Scrooging] humbug to them.  Last but certainly not least, Val Nichushkin, who is still learning English, had a series of bloopers with Jamie Benn and Tyler Seguin during the Dallas video that started a bit of a ruckus on Twitter under the hashtag #IAmValNichushkin.
  • Nichushkin is 7-10-17 in his past 25 games and Jaromir Jagr recently said he thinks the 18-year-old rookie will be the best in the world one day.  He trails Calder favorite Nate MacKinnon by only three points and has been gaining ground through November and December.  With Tomas Hertl out of the running due to injury, Nichushkin may just lock the Calder up if he continues to outpace MacKinnon and the Professional Hockey Writer’s Association can take a few quick seconds out of their busy lives to have a look at a Sunbelt team’s player.  Even if not, he is making several teams – particularly offense-starved Nashville and Vancouver, who went full [head-scratching decision making by general managers] by trading for the ninth overall pick and then passing over Nichushkin for Bo Horvat – that skipped over him in the draft look silly.
  • Blowout of the week: on Friday, Chicago laid a warm, fresh [pile of Ohio-produced upper-torso fertilizer] on the chest of Patrick Roy and the Avalanche.
  • Colorado is falling back down to earth at 3-3-4 in their last 10.  Roy can rail at glass partitions like Don Quixote tilting at windmills all he wants, but Colorado had better start winning or else one of Dallas or Minnesota are going to climb past the two Western wild cards currently held by Pacific teams and into Colorado’s spot.
  • NHL: Minnesota Wild at Montreal CanadiensMaybe that last bullet should just mention Dallas.  Minnesota lost three very winnable games this week against the Flyers, Jets, and Islanders, is on a five game losing streak, and is 3-7-0 in their past 10.  On top of that, they just lost Zach Parise to a fractured foot.  Parise is third on the team in scoring with 27 points behind Mikko Koivu and Jason Pominville.  Dany Heatley, who said earlier this year that it would be a terrible disappointment if he didn’t score 30 goals this season, has a lousy eight goals, is a -13, and spends most of his time bouncing around the lineup as Minnesota tries to get him to not look like a washed up bum.
  • The fans are [increasingly demonstrating non-Canadian behavioral characteristics].  The players are [displeased].  It looks like the honeymoon is over in Winnipeg.  It’s really too bad, too – not that I want more competition in the Central for Dallas, but Winnipeg has been suffering for a long time.
  • Play of the week: how ‘bout that Mike Smith butt goal?  In case you were living under a rock, Buffalo player Mark Pysyk’s [Ed. note: “Pysyk” appears to be the player’s actual name and not some obscure piece of Slavic profanity Obscene Alex is trying to sneak by me] first goal of the season (and second of his career) came in overtime against Phoenix when the puck got sucked into Smith’s keister and Smith reacted by doing what any good goaltender would do when they can’t find the puck – back that [thang] up and protect the net.  How is this relevant to Conference III, you ask?  Well, it kept Phoenix (3-2-5 in their last 10) from collecting a full two points and it was just one of the past seven games where Phoenix has failed to win in regulation.  Phoenix is showing major signs of weakness and both Dallas and Minnesota are within two points of the wild card spot currently held by the Coyotes.  That’s still a stretch, you say?  [I am a Dallas Stars fan and disagree with your assessment].
  • OK, fine.  My Conference III play of the week: Patrick Sharp made a disgustingly good defensive play against Colorado that turned into a Jonathan Toews goal.

That’s all, folks…  See you next time if they decide to keep me around.