The [Redacted] Week in Review with Obscene Alex: Team USA Edition

by obscenealex

As he does every Monday, Obscene Alex joins us with his thoughts of the week. My redactions are in brackets:

Happy New Year, [bottomtops], and welcome to the Conference III Week in Review.  I’m your host, Obscene Alex, and these are my thoughts on the past week.

What an asshole.

What a [dork]. Ed note: An earlier posting of this story included a non-redacted caption. Apologies.

  • On Monday, Chicago beat LA.  On Tuesday, Dallas beat LA.  On Thursday, St. Louis beat LA 5-0 for this week’s Blowout of the Week.  This kind of [success by Conference III teams against Los Angeles] really puts a smile on my face.  [Lèse-majesté]!
  • Is anyone else a little [miffed] that now that Detroit is merely average instead of pretty good or great, they have whined their way into the Eastern Conference?  After all those beatings Central teams have taken over the years, we are being deprived of exacting revenge more frequently.
  • Unfortunately, Dallas still finds ways to struggle against Detroit.  They allowed the Dead Things to win 5-1 Saturday despite sending 45 shots at Jimmy Howard, who decided to show up for once.  Howard’s .978 save percentage from Saturday was unusual compared to his season’s body of work, a [rather mediocre] 7-9-8, .911 save percentage, 2.39 goals against average, and two shutouts.  Other than being No. 1 at getting the loser point and owning a couple of shutouts, Howard has played like [Badfinger’s fourth studio album] this season and you have to wonder [how David Poile makes his decisions, at least when he’s awake and not dreaming] naming Howard to Team USA instead of Ben Bishop.  Is Brian Burke’s hair to blame?  If it was, Bishop exacted a little revenge by shutting out Burke’s Flames on Friday.
    Maybe he's born with it.

    Maybe he’s born with it.

  • Captain Fluffy Silver Locks and his media-savvy pals gave unprecedented access to a couple of reporters during the Team USA selection process, trying to capture some of that HBO 24/7 behind the scenes magic, but unfortunately, it blew up in their face as the reasoning behind which players were and were not selected was exposed for all to see.
  • Jets player Dustin Byfuglien, one of the snubs, was succinctly described by Stan Bowman as a great dressing room presence.  “Guys gravitate towards him,” Bowman said.  “Guys like him and he can play at a [weight] number that would surprise you.”  The jury is still out on whether players gravitate towards Big Buff because he’s a likeable guy or because he’s such [a fine example of endomorphism] that he has his own gravitational pull.
  • Conference III selections to Team USA include Kevin Shattenkirk, David Backes, TJ Oshie, Ryan Suter, Zach Parise, Patrick Kane, Paul Stastny, and Blake Wheeler.  Good luck in Sochi, gentlemen.
  • The Conference III Calder race continues to heat up and since the Calder voting normally almost completely depends on point totals, I am going to completely ignore everything else and zero in on rookie point totals [like eying your beloved’s head for an act of in flagrante emesis that would surely inspire him or her to make you their ex-beloved].  Nate MacKinnon (26 points) pushed into the overall Calder lead by putting up four points this week while Mark Scheifele (22), Seth Jones (16), and Jacob Trouba (13) had three.  Sitting in between MacKinnon, Scheifele, and the defensemen in total points, Alex Chiasson (21) and Val Nichushkin (21) each had two.
  • I am begrudgingly awarding Play of the Week honors to Patrick Sharp for the second week in a row because this shot was pretty crazy and it was a part of his second hat trick in about a week.  He had better not be a candidate next week or I’m going to mail him a [large parcel of private investigators].  Ryan Suter’s first career hat trick, although it’s not an individual play (I make the rules here, [insolent reader], is your runner up.

That’s all, folks.  See you next week.