The [Redacted] Week in Review with Obscene Alex: Dallas [Makes A Mess Of] the Bed Edition

by obscenealex

As always on Monday, our buddy Obscene Alex recaps the week. The redactions are mine and in brackets.

Eat [pie], you [intercourse twigs] and welcome to the Conference III Week in Review. I’m your host, Obscene Alex and these are my thoughts on the past week…

• …Which has completely [been downright vacuumy] if you’re a Dallas Stars fan. [Dagnabit], it seems like every time this team gets within sniffing distance of a playoff spot, its Pavlovian response is to [make a mess of] the bed. After going the whole season never losing more than two in a row, Dallas has now lost six straight. Their next game is against Edmonton on Tuesday and represents their chance to start cleaning up this mess after completely [turning asunder] what the Western Conference had going against the East over the past six games.
• Minnesota, who just lost Mikko Koivu after losing Zach Parise and Josh Harding are dangling in the final wild card spot in the West, four points up on Phoenix after winning five of their past six. One of the more interesting things to come out of these injuries is that the corpse of Dany Heatley appears to be gathering strength from his injured teammates like Vlad Dracula (definitely not like those metrosexual Twilight [imposters]) sucking blood. However brief the glimpse of his former self ends up being, he has one goal and three assists in his past two games.

Ow! Guys! Guys! It hurts!

Ow! Guys! Guys! It hurts!

• Speaking of injuries, Ryan O’Reilly had a [moment of intimacy in which extreme pleasure is immediately replaced with a horrible danger of infection and also pain] when he tried to celebrate Stastny’s goal against Calgary and managed to hurt himself going in for a hug. What a [galoot]! For that, ladies and gentlemen, I award Mr. O’Reilly Play of the Week honors.
• It was a tough call picking the Blowout of the Week this week. On the one hand, if I’m feeling masochistic, the Stars have given me a whole bag of [pre-flattened chitlins] to choose from this week. On the other hand, I believe the Blowout of the Week should be a celebration of a Conference III team. So with that in mind, I’ve selected St. Louis slapping Calgary around, 5-0.
• Did you know that in the eight games between December 27 and today, Calgary got shut out nearly as many times as it scored through all of those games – five times shut out, six goals? Whether you’re a fan of Dallas, Nashville, or Winnipeg, if you think you have it bad, just look up a Calgary fan and talk to them about it. Those poor [downtrodden Prairie Provincers]… and no way Captain Fluffy Silver Locks actually bothers to find a GM before draft day.
• It’s not quite the same due to the gap in the standings, but I probably won’t get to say this very often this season so here goes: Chicago also had a [subpar] week this past week. They lost to the Rangers and the Canadiens to cap a three game [offensive residue] before winning Sunday’s game against Edmonton that looked closer on the scoreboard than it should have been given the shot differential.

Why don't I just go eat some hay... make things out of clay...

Why don’t I just go eat some hay… make things out of clay…

• “We’re going to win here one day. I’m hoping to be here one day,” said Claude Noel one day. “We are going to win here one day. And then I’ll be able to sit here and say, ‘We’re winning now.’ That’s gonna happen. I’m confident in that.” One day. By the bay. I just may. Be fired.

That’s all, you [sex-positive ditch-dwellers who prefer to get a portion of your daily allowance of zinc while kneeling] . See you next week.