The [Redacted] Week in Review with Obscene Alex: BieLeafer Edition
Holy [cow], this was a crazy [fuddledudding] week. The same day we launched the Conference III Crown of [Fecal Matter], the Perds made sure the Stars had a Stetson full to the brim with manure by giving them a 4-1 shellacking, making their record an abysmal 1-8-1 in 2014. It was the first time the Stars wore the infamous [chapeau de connerie] this season and some of you blamed me for the loss, claiming that this great new award was a jinx. [Flip] you! You should have had more confidence.
You see, for the Stars, the fecal fedora was a motivator. It embarrassed the players. They never wanted to wear it again. Captain Jamie Benn stood up in the locker room, opened a window, stuck his head out, and yelled “I’M MAD AS HELL AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!” He wiped the still-damp turds out of his flow with one hand, shook his fist with the other, and went out and had a slick goal on a penalty shot against Kuemper. That was his brother, Jordie? [Really?]… well, he got a measly secondary assist against Minnesota on Tuesday… BUT WE WON’T LET THAT RUIN THE NARRATIVE. You know who you can thank for this new win streak, you [burro burrows]? Me. I’ll take all the credit because I [absolutely] deserve it!
Dallas smacked that turd sombrero onto the head of the Minnesota Wild, who were so horrified at the smell, they passed the Crown and the frightened turtle within directly to the Blackhawks on Thursday. Chicago has some sort of fecal fetish, though, because they kept it against the Jets on Sunday and they won’t have another chance to get rid of it until March 4 against Colorado. You might worry that the hat will be dried out and crusty by then, but never fear – the Crown will stay fresh with the daily Malort-fueled expulsions of millions of Chicagoans. It will be a nice rest for the crap cap, too, after changing hands three times in one week – a Crown record.
Here’s a quick update on the Crown’s travels – new wearers will be bolded in the score line. Teams that shamefully retained the Crown will be in italics. To revisit past wearers, see last week’s article.
- 1/20/14 Nashville 4, Dallas 1 (Dallas wears the [Stinky] Stetson for the first time this season)
- 1/21/14 Dallas 4, Minnesota 0 (Second shutout in the history of the Crown)
- 1/23/14 Minnesota 2, Chicago 1 (Dallas still leads in least times worn, tied with Colorado and St. Louis)
- 1/26/14 Winnipeg 3, Chicago 1
Number of Titles
- Dallas 1
- Colorado 1
- St. Louis 1
- Chicago 2
- Winnipeg 2
- Minnesota 3
- Nashville 3
Total Number of Days Owned
- Dallas 1
- Chicago 5
- St. Louis 8
- Colorado 13
- Minnesota 20
- Nashville 23
- Winnipeg 44
By the way, that Jordie Benn penalty shot was your Obscene Play of the Week and the Stars’ fourth penalty shot goal on their seventh attempt, both tying NHL records. Jordie, please teach your little brother that move.
For your Obscene Blowout of the Week, Dallas went on to utterly dismantle Justin Bieber’s Maple Leafs 7-1 followed by Sidney Crosby’s Penguins, 3-0. Here are the in-game highlights and some of the exceptional extracurriculars from that game vs. the Leafs. After the Stars game ops put the Biebs and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford up on the jumbotron and began sharing the fun via social media, it spurred a flood of hate from Leafs fans, Bieber fans, and Bieleafers, much to my enjoyment. With the outburst came thousands of tweets about how not classy pointing out the Bieber-Leafs alignment was. The tweets from Bieber fans were just as pathetic as one would expect, but many of the tweets from Leafs fans were good laughs as well. Two of my favorite examples of classy Leafs fans pointing out how classy the Stars aren’t are below. Post your street address in the comments, gentlemen, I’ve got a set of Waterford Crystal glasses and a couple of bottles of Mackinlay’s waiting for you to quaff. Here’s to class! I’m sorry your dainty derrieres hurt so much.
I suppose this is only what we should have expected from fans of a team that has managed to find ice time for Colton Orr in 41 games this season. I’d spell out what I’d say next about this topic, but I’m wondering if I can skirt a redaction by doing a photo essay. Note that in the first picture, the animal appears silly. What a bunch of…
You know what would get me to watch reality television? If they built the next season of Big Brother around a house full of Bielibers and Leafs fans.
As a closeout for this week, I’d like to touch on a sore subject – the constant butchering of hockey name pronunciations by announcers, fans, well… everyone. Here are a couple of clarifications so you can be sure to get it right next time. First, let’s address Pekka Rinne. “Pekka” is easy – say it with me: “peck-a.” Rinne is a little more difficult: “Ri” rhymes with “knee” (which is connected to the hip bone… oh, sorry Pekka) and the “nne “actually comes out “nay.” “Peck-a Ree-nay.”
The second clarification is regarding the Calgary Flames. Everyone gets this one wrong, but it’s really easy. To make it as easy as possible, I’ve got another photo essay for you:
See you next week.