The [Redacted] Week in Review with Obscene Alex: Toilet Gunk Edition
Howdy, [donkey trilbies], and welcome to this week’s edition of the [Redacted] Week in Review. Good players that matter are in Sochi by now, trying to find functional toilets. Lesser players are on break. Without Conference III hockey to cover over the next week, I find myself somewhere in the middle – I just replaced a toilet at my house and Olympic hockey is unlikely to offer the same enjoyable opportunities to converse with opposing fans that the regular NHL schedule does. As a quick note on both, though, the nasty old wax ring I pulled off when I removed my old toilet was about the same color as the Phoenix Coyote jerseys. I only wish I had taken a picture for posterior posterity.
It seems like this week has crawled as slowly as watching a New Jersey Devils shot trying to cross the goal line. Nate MacKinnon is still running away with the Calder scoring race, Winnipeg lost two out of three this week, and the Blackhawks are still wearing the Conference III Crown of [Fecal Matter]. Not everything is the same, though… here’s some new stuff to enjoy:
- The Jets have still won 6 of their last 10 and 9 of 13 since firing Claude “I just may eat some hay” Noel. After beating the Carolina [Do Not Flush, Use The Wastebasket] 2-1 on Tuesday, they faltered later in the week with losses to Washington and St. Louis. At this point it is a long shot for the Jets to even earn a Wild Card spot, but this recent run has to be giving fans some hope that their team won’t [vacuum eternally].
- Brenden Morrow played his 900th game this week against Boston and was held off the scoresheet, but he had a goal in 899 and a goal and an assist in 901. Even if it’s for those [burro burrow] Blues, it’s good to see him contributing. I didn’t see any really exceptional plays this week to honor with Play of the Week, although Ottawa had some nice ones against St. Louis. However, we’ll keep Play(s) of the Week in the family in this edition since Morrow had a small collection of strong ones spread out against Ottawa and Winnipeg.
- What I can’t keep in the family this time is Blowout of the Week. There were three games with semi-blowout scores this week – Avalanche at Rangers, Avalanche at Islanders, and Ducks at Predators. Avalanche at Islanders on Saturday was the lone win. The problem with that win, though, was that it wasn’t really as lopsided as the 5-2 score indicated. Colorado allowed a 3-0 lead to become a 3-2 lead through a series of stupid penalties before getting an empty net goal and closing out the game. The game ended with a 4-2 score and Stastny taking a shot that was blocked by an Islander in the final seconds. The thing is, some [moronic mule] Islander that didn’t understand Rule 53 or didn’t care threw his stick in an attempt to block Stastny’s shot. With an empty net, what would ordinarily be a penalty shot becomes an automatic goal. So, long story short, that game wasn’t a blowout, it was a series of [Bos primigenius excrementum] shenanigans. Meanwhile, Ducks at Predators was a 5-2 loss for Nashville and Avalanche at Rangers was worse, a 5-1 loss for Colorado, so, and it really chaps my [jenny] to say it, but Blowout of the Week has been earned by a lowly Metropolitan team this week. The Metropolitan division. Seriously. The worst [excessive maternal affection] division in the NHL. [Blaspheming], Colorado, get your [business] together.
- On Wednesday I caught a bit of the Blackhawks at Ducks game. Honda Center in Anaheim sounded strangely like United Center in Chicago whenever the Blackhawks scored, which had to grate on Ducks fans. Although I can relate to it, it did give me a little schadenfreude. This happens in Dallas when the Blackhawks come to town, too, and it used to happen for games against Detroit. I can’t figure out if everyone is leaving Chicago and moving to better places or if there are thousands of bandwagoners that change jerseys every few seasons.
- Meanwhile, Dallas beat Phoenix and lost in OT to San Jose to finish out their road trip with 5 of 6 points. With a win Saturday night, again against Phoenix, the Stars have climbed into the final Wild Card spot in the West, where, if the playoffs started today, Dallas would face Anaheim, a matchup I would enjoy because [waterfowl husbandry].
In those games against Phoenix and San Jose, I discovered that Keith Yandle and Tommy Wingels are both [contenders to represent their countries in the Olympic diving events in 2016].
- A couple of other things I discovered in getting an opportunity to catch up with the San Jose [Bowel Mistakes] is that Gangnam Style is still popular in San Jose and apparently Martin Havlat is healthy again, at least this week. Hopefully for the [Gastrointestinal Errors], he didn’t strain anything scoring that goal against Dallas.
- Lest you Chicago fans get too uppity about your triumph in Quacksville, the Desert Mongrels shut out the Blackhawks on Friday. It was the first time in almost two full calendar years Chicago has been shut out, and it was Phoenix that did it. Pathetic. How much hand wringing did this cause among Blackhawks nation? Plenty, and I didn’t even have to gather up any tweets. Second City Hockey did it for me.
See you sometime after the Olympics, you [protuberance-gorging fecal brains].