The [Redacted] Week in Review: It’s Otter Time
Welcome to the [Redacted] Week in Review – I’m your HMFIC, Obscene Alex. The NHL is back this week with one outdoor game, one indoor-outdoor game (it’s house-trained), and a big trade – and not a moment too soon because the withdrawal was making my hands shake. Here’s what happened this past week:
On Wednesday, the Kings beat the Avs 6-4 and Patrick Roy tried to distract the media from the loss at the presser afterwards by making this duck face like a 12 year old girl.
- On Thursday, Dallas continued their home undefeated streak against Carolina. Dallas has not lost to that franchise in Dallas since 1996 when they were the Hartford Whalers. Canes fans were hopeful, but were overheard after the game lamenting, “oh, what Khudobin.”
- After not seeing one for quite some time, Stars fans were graced with a Jamie Benn Power Play, a term for Benn scoring while on the penalty kill. In this particular instance, Benn split two defenders, leading Daryl “Razor” Reaugh to eloquently describe it as “like poop through a diarrhea-infected goose,” which is a once-in-a-lifetime example of fine broadcasting that even had rival team members in awe. The announcing and the play itself combine for Obscene Play of the Week honors.
- Our friends at Puck Daddy were not as impressed with Benn’s shorthanded goal and two assists while playing sick, however, choosing only to mention Roussel’s “run” of Khudobin (in which John-Michael Liles pushes Roussel, redirecting him into Khudobin, and Hainsey flies in to attack) in their Three Stars article that night. The Olympics are over and everyone has gone back to ignoring Jamie Benn.
- So I guess Liles ended up in Carolina… I thought I remembered seeing that Toronto was finally able to move him, but didn’t recall where. The day that happened, it was great news for fans of 29 other teams because it meant a few days of peace during which Maple Leafs fans would try to find another player to massively overvalue and build trades around that are so [ridiculous] not even the AI in an EA Sports game would accept them.
- Also on Thursday, courtesy of sleuth reporting from TJ Maughan, we discovered that Adam Pardy, AKA Vampardy, AKA Vladam the Impaler, AKA that guy who sucks the life out of his teammates whenever he steps onto the ice, is really a vampire.
- The trade deadline is fast approaching and one major deal has already hit as of Friday – St. Louis moved Jaroslav Halak, Chris Stewart, prospect William Carrier, a 2015 first round pick, and a 2016 third round pick for Ryan Miller and Steve Ott. Right before official terms of the trade broke, it was rumored that OTT was involved in the trade as well as STL and BUF and that Stewart would head to Ottawa, Miller would head to St. Louis, and prospects would head to Buffalo from Ottawa, but as it turns out, it was just Ott, not OTT. The worst part of the trade rumor was that Ryan Miller, a perfectly likable guy, was headed to the [very unlikable] Blues.
- The rumor didn’t make complete sense, anyway – St. Louis wasn’t going to be able to acquire Miller and yet somehow retain the services of Halak and Brian Elliott, unless one of those two were injured, which, given their history, was not totally out of the question. This was an aspect of the trade that I called literally about a minute before Halak’s involvement was announced. Yeah, that’s right. [That’s right], I’m awesome.
- I saw a lot of gloating from rival teams and national pundits as well as some handwringing going on among Blues fans over the Miller acquisition on Twitter. How could the team move one goaltender for the other when they had such comparable stats? When Halak was the better goaltender? When… oh seriously, [silencio, per favor!]… Let’s boil it down, here. Miller has played out of his mind this season on the worst [hockey-playing] team in the league. Halak played OK on one of the best defensive teams in hockey. Halak is injury prone. Miller is not. Doug Armstrong clearly believes this year is [defecate or exit the restroom]. You can question Armstrong’s logic in acquiring a goaltender instead of filling some other need on the team, but about the only thing the Blues really needed was to replace Chris Stewart. Upgrading goaltending is icing – and perhaps necessary icing since eating cake without icing is [a complete waste of perfectly good cake] and, even more relevant to this discussion, you never know when Halak or Elliott will be hot, cold, injured, or not. Did Armstrong need to spend Halak, Stewart, picks and a prospect on Miller and Ott? Maybe the cost was too high, but that’s Doug Armstrong for you. This sort of thing was his M.O. in Dallas and sometimes it ended up quite a bit worse (see Nagy, Ladislav).
- Replacing Stewart with Ott dumps a guy having a long term identity crisis for a player who plays with an edge – sometimes a little too much of one – and can sometimes be the guy to energize the entire team when things are moving a little slowly. Ott is a guy known for licking opposing players, wearing lipstick to psych them out, trash talking in multiple languages, and play that generally crosses back and forth over the line. He’s beloved by his team and their fans and hated by everyone else. Fans of his new team were mostly silent about his acquisition, but those that said something Friday on Twitter seemed [put] off, disgusted, or both. That makes me happier than a [suckling in stink] and it’s unfortunate that they won’t just hate his entire tenure in St. Louis, but every fan eventually grows to love him. Steve Ott, lovable pest that he is, is just another one of Don Cherry’s raccoons, finding his way into someone else’s house nearby. Welcome back to Conference III, Otter.
- Back to the goaltending side of this trade real fast – Miller finally has a good team in front of him. St. Louis is going to be even stingier with goals against than they were before. Meanwhile, if Halak plays in Buffalo for any extended period of time before he gets shipped elsewhere, possibly to Minnesota where his injury history will fit right in (no disrespect to Josh Harding, who is a badass [Ed. note: No redaction here, as that is Harding’s actual title]), he is going to get exposed for the subpar netminder that he is when compared to Ryan Miller.
- With Doug Armstrong, Ken Hitchcock, Brett Hull, Brenden Morrow, Ott, and formerly, Jamie Langenbrunner, St. Louis is now officially Dallas North. With that, let’s drop this one and move on…
- On Saturday, Chicago stomped Pittsburgh 5-1 in the final Stadium Series game for your Obscene Blowout of the Week. Hossa took a hit during the game and did not return, leading hockey pundits still wiping the Sochi out of their eyes everywhere to ask whether we should continue to send our players to outdoor games… or not.
- Also from that game, Brent Seabrook scored a great goal on Crawford and The Plain White Ts and some Blues Brothers impersonators got the crowd in Chicago pumped for hockey. Just for the record, I’ve been to events hosted by start-up companies with better entertainment. C’mon. At least pretend you [care about us peasants], Bettman.
The Dallas Stars, your future 2013-14 Pacific Division champs have managed to retain the final wild card spot they had at the beginning of the week despite losing to Tampa on Saturday and a flagrant cuddle attempt from Vladislav “Needs a New Name” Namestnikov.
- Sunday, in a move that should surprise no one, Chicago traded Brandon Pirri to the Florida Panthers, where awful and awkward players go to die and young and promising players mature enough to be traded away. Pirri was worth a third and a fifth round pick. Also, the Heritage Classic was played indoors instead of outdoors because that’s what hockey heritage and classic are all aboot and Daniel Sedin sustained an injury, after which we saw a flood of articles for bans on NHL players playing in outdoor and indoor-outdoor games… wait, they didn’t write those? Lazy journalism.
That’s all for this week. See you next week, [Johnson breads].