The [Redacted] Week in Review: Goalie Edition
Welcome to the [Redacted] Week in Review, [darling readers]. I’m your host, Obscene Alex. Let’s get down to business. This week, with a couple of exceptions, our topic is going to be goaltending.
- First off, because I somehow missed it last Sunday, Ryan Miller won his Blues debut but his first two goals against in a Blues sweater came from Paul Bissonnette and Jeff Halpern. It was Biz Nasty’s second goal of the season and Halpern’s third. I thought Jeff Halpern had retired already. Miller… what [unlikely behavior did you engage in], man? To redeem himself, Miller is now 4-0-0 with the Blues.
Pekka Rinne returned from his hip infection on Tuesday and has lost three straight. Rinne isn’t entirely at fault here, however, as the Perds have not scored more than one goal in a game since his return and were even shut out against some stupid team from Ohio. Contrary to rumors, the Crown of [Fecal Matter] was not the source of Rinne’s infection, although it confided to me that it aspired to be.
- That would, of course, only be possible if the [pernicious] Chicago Butthawks would stop hoarding the damn thing! Chicago had a chance to pass the Turd Toque to Colorado on Tuesday to get rid of it before they broke the days worn record, but the odor and greasy sensation from wearing it for so long has given Butthawks players [Skitprat] Stockholm Syndrome. Not their equipment, though – Corey Crawford’s stuff just keeps leaving in protest. If the Butthawks snap out of their [dunderheadedness], their next chance to unload the Fecal Fedora is when they play Colorado again on Wednesday. Here’s an update on the Crown’s travels this season. New wearers are bolded in the score line. Teams that shamefully retained the Crown are in italics:
- 10/3/13 St. Louis 4, Nashville 2
- 10/4/13 Colorado 3, Nashville 1
- 10/8/13 Nashville 3, Minnesota 2
- 10/10/13 Minnesota 2, Winnipeg 1
- 10/11/13 Dallas 4, Winnipeg 1
- 10/18/13 Winnipeg 4, St. Louis 3
- 10/26/13 St. Louis 6, Nashville 1
- 11/6/13 Nashville 6, Colorado 4 (Nashville retained the Crown for 11 days due to their schedule)
- 11/14/13 St. Louis 7, Colorado 3
- 11/19/13 Colorado 5, Chicago 1 (Colorado got rid of the Crown after 13 days)
- 11/21/13 Chicago 6, Winnipeg 3
- 11/23/13 Minnesota 3, Winnipeg 2
- 12/10/13 St. Louis 2, Winnipeg 1
- 12/12/13 Colorado 4, Winnipeg 3
- 12/14/13 Dallas 6, Winnipeg 4
- 12/27/13 Winnipeg 6, Minnesota 4 (Winnipeg was a royal turd for 36 days straight)
- 12/31/13 St. Louis 2, Minnesota 1
- 1/11/14 Colorado 4, Minnesota 2
- 1/12/14 Minnesota 4, Nashville 0 (Minnesota closes out 16 days with the Crown, giving Nashville the first Crown of [Fecal Matter] shutout)
- 1/18/14 Colorado 5, Nashville 4
- 1/20/14 Nashville 4, Dallas 1 (Dallas wears the [Stinky] Stetson for the first time this season)
- 1/21/14 Dallas 4, Minnesota 0 (Second shutout in the history of the Crown)
- 1/23/14 Minnesota 2, Chicago 1 (Dallas still leads in least times worn, tied with Colorado and St. Louis)
- 1/26/14 Winnipeg 3, Chicago 1
- 3/4/14 Colorado 4, Chicago 2 (Breaks longest ownership record previously held by Winnipeg)
Number of Titles
- Dallas 1
- Colorado 1
- St. Louis 1
- Chicago 2
- Winnipeg 2
- Minnesota 3
- Nashville 3
Total Number of Days Owned
- Dallas 1
- St. Louis 8
- Colorado 13
- Minnesota 20
- Nashville 23
- Winnipeg 44
- Chicago 47
- Here’s the full video of the number retirement ceremony for the best American hockey player ever.
- Back to goaltending, the trade deadline has come and gone this past week and the Conference III transactions, including Ryan Miller, Jaroslav Halak, Tim Thomas, Dan Ellis, Ilya Bryzgalov, Devan Dubnyk, and Reto Berra are covered here in case you missed them. That’s a lot of goalies changing hands.
One of those goaltenders involved in the trade deadline will have an immediate and unexpected impact because Erik Haula is an [unrepentant sinner]. OK, well maybe Haula’s hit on Kari Lehtonen was not entirely intentional as it appeared Haula had his foot a bit entangled heading towards the goal, but he’s still an [ignorant jerk whose obscene nickname slips through because of the time change]. Tim Thomas will be filling in for Lehtonen for at least a couple of weeks as it appears Lehtonen has a concussion. Two weeks is an eternity in post-trade deadline hockey when you’re hanging on to the final playoff spot in the conference, so disgruntled Tim is now the key to the Stars’ playoff hopes. I can tell you one thing – I would rather it be in Tim’s fashionable hands than have Dan Ellis problems.
- Sunday was Tim Thomas Bobblehead Night. In Florida.
- Poor Eddie Lack. He gets the #1 job in Vancouver in the middle of the team quitting on head coach John Tortorella. Vancouver ownership needs to [circular-file] GM Mike Gillis as well as Tortorella, but preferably not until the end of the season so Dallas (or Winnipeg or Minnesota, but [not] them) has one less serious competitor for a Wild Card spot.
- The 6-1 shellacking the Stars laid on the Cantnucks on Thursday is your Obscene Blowout of the Week and Tyler Seguin’s five points in that game are your Obscene Play(s) of the Week. It was Seguin’s third hat trick of the season, tying a Dallas franchise record. Seguin followed that performance up with a three point night against Minnesota on Saturday. The Bruins must really have a special team up there in Boston to be able to afford to trade away players like Seguin and Phil Kessel.
That’s all for now. See you next week.