Thursday Thirteen: Annus Mirabilis

by J.R.

Every Thursday we bring you III Communication’s Conference III Power Rankings, the Thursday Thirteen.

This week, it’s been dang near a year.

1. Dallas and Columbus medical staffs: Their quick work treating Dallas forward Rich Peverley likely saved the triple-Conference III man’s life. We don’t even mind that the Jackets guys aren’t Conference III, they are Threeroes still.

2. St. Louis Blues: Though they dropped the Belt to Dallas, the Blues are still 18-0-2 against fellow Conference III teams and that’s just dang absurd.

3. Colorado Avalanche: Not only did the Avs avoid the ignominy of wearing the Crown of Fecal Matter by beating Chicago, Colorado slid into second place in the division.

4. Chicago Blackhawks: Maybe some prognosticators put the ‘Hawks second behind the Blues, but certainly no one had them third and surely no one expected to them to have the Fecal Fedora this long.

5. John McEnroe: The PowerShares Series visited Bridgestone Arena Wednesday night for three-match mini-tournament featuring the men who competed in the 1984 U.S. Open semis: Ivan Lendl, Pat Cash, Jimmy Connors, John McEnroe. There was plenty of performance mixed in with the sport, but this wasn’t pro wrestling. Ivan Lendl is in his mid-50s and a little overweight, but he could still hit perfect ground strokes every time. Pat Cash has the most well-defined legs I’ve ever seen outside of cycling or speed skating. Connors was below par (and wearing slacks and a sweater vest like it was the 1934 Wimbledon quarterfinals), but every now and then, he’d rip a perfect backhand with that unibody racket. And then there was Johnny Mac (who won and is ranked No. 1 in the Series). Sure, the paying public expects some of that Mac attitude and if he played it up for show, no one would mind, but near the end of the final, he was getting visibly upset with the officiating (the linesmen and umpire were locals; qualified, certainly, but not used to calling matches featuring four of the best players of their generations). With the crowd dwindling as the night wore on, his anger was becoming easier to hear. “Oh, Johnny, giving the people what they want.” Sure, to a degree. But at one point, he turned around to a linesman and declared her call (and it was a bad one) as “Bulls—” loud enough to pierce the silence. This was no joke to him.

6. Minnesota Wild: Hanging tough are the Fightin’ Adjectives. Just hanging around.

7. Monorails: A Tennessee lawmaker wants a study on a 35-mile monorail between Nashville and Murfreesboro. This particular man is the same guy who once proposed Tennessee adopt its own currency.

8. Dallas Stars: Your current strap holders just won’t go away.

Marshall_Lambert9. Daniel Lambert: Born on this day in 1770, Daniel Lambert was one big fella (emphasis mine):

Daniel Lambert (13 March 1770 – 21 June 1809) was a gaol keeperand animal breeder from Leicester, England, famous for his unusually large size. After serving four years as an apprentice at an engraving and die casting works in Birmingham, he returned to Leicester around 1788 and succeeded his father as keeper of Leicester’s gaol. He was a keen sportsman and extremely strong, on one occasion he fought a bear in the streets of Leicester. He was an expert in sporting animals, widely respected for his expertise with dogs, horses and fighting cocks.

At the time of Lambert’s return to Leicester, his weight began to increase steadily, even though he was athletically active and, by his own account, abstained from drinking alcohol and did not eat unusual amounts of food. In 1805, Lambert’s gaol closed. By this time, he weighed 50 stone (700 lb; 318 kg), and had become the heaviest authenticated person up to that point in recorded history. Unemployable and sensitive about his bulk, Lambert became a recluse.

He lost some weight before he and died and here’s his epitaph:

In Remembrance of that Prodigy in Nature.
a Native of Leicester:
who was possessed of an exalted and convivial Mind
and in personal Greatness had no Competitor
He measured three Feet one Inch round the Leg
nine Feet four Inches round the Body
and weighed
Fifty two Stone eleven Pounds!
He departed this Life on the 21st of June 1809
Aged 39 years
As a Testimony of Respect this Stone is erected by his Friends in Leicester

Goodness. Doug Murray has some catching up to do.

10. Winnipeg Jets: How much more do the Jets have in ’em? They’ve got a chance to win the Belt Sunday, at least.

11. The Yellowstone Exception: The U.S. Constitution is a weird beast sometimes. The Vicinage Clause of the Sixth Amendment guarantees the accused a trial “by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law.”

Simple enough, right? If you’re charged with a crime in Nashville, you are tried by a jury drawn from Tennessee (the State), specifically the Middle District thereof (“district…previously ascertained by law”). There’s one little wrinkle here, though. The District of Wyoming’s jurisdiction extends into the portions of Yellowstone National Park within Idaho and Montana. A crime committed in the Idaho portion of the park would be troublesome, because the Idaho portion of the park is uninhabited (Montana is less problematic, as it is sparsely populated; a crime in the Wyoming portion is fine, because the jury can come from anywhere in the state). No other federal district crosses state lines and even if one did, all the portions contained therein would likely have people. There’s no good way to satisfy vicinage here. A crime in the Idaho portion would have to be drawn from both the state and the District, but the portion of the district has no people and the United States has yet to determine the swearibility of elk as jurors.

12. Nashville Predators: Ever go on a four-game loser where scoring is problematic? The Preds did, but fortunately they had games against Ottawa and Buffalo on the schedule.

13. Atrial fibrillation: Get well soon, Pevs.