Playoff Predictions: Round 2
Obscene Alex and J.R. went five for eight in Round 1. It almost has to improve in Round 2! Series previews for Hawks/Wild will be up whatever day that begins (Friday?).
Chicago Blackhawks vs. Minnesota Wild
Obscene Alex: Does Darcy Kuemper have a concussion? If so, Stalin’s best friend Ilya Bryzgalov will have to make more than one save every 14 minutes against the Blackhawks. In last year’s first round, these two teams met and the Blackhawks tossed them out in five games. This year, it will happen again in spite of strong leadership from Zach Parise on the score sheet and a zombified Dany Heatley showing a small glimmer of life in his rotten eyes. Blackhawks in 5.
J.R.: At the risk of bringing down the humorless wrath of the State of Earnestness, I’m not sure it would matter if Ilya Bryzgalov or Darcy Kuemper or Darcy Hordichuk or Peter Horachek or Peter Nobel or Alfred Nobel or Alfred Hitchcock or Ken Hitchcock or Ken Dryden was starting in goal for the Wild. Blackhawks in 5.
Anaheim Ducks vs. LA Kings
OA: In this series, two teams 30 miles and 3+ hours apart (depending on traffic) face off against each other because the Sharks decided to choke early this season and the Stars couldn’t force a game seven against the Ducks. The Stars, featuring an injured top defenseman, a weak defense, a second line that should be a third, and a Jekyll and Hyde goaltender still managed to outplay the Ducks for long stretches of the series, something top Western Conference seed Anaheim should be ashamed of.
This upcoming series will feature Dustin “[Richard Sack]” Brown and Corey “Small Penis” Perry colliding into the boards, from which a Coliseum-style trap will open up, swallowing them into a pit of tigers along with a few unlucky fans. The tigers, after sniffing Perry and Brown and finding them unappetizing, will strap them both to a rocket and fire them into the sun. Even though the trip means certain death, Ilya Bryzgalov will be strangely jealous of their experience. On the way to the sun, Brown will knee Perry and Perry will spear Brown in the nuts causing Brown to dive off, as is his way, but the sun’s gravity will suck Brown in and by the time the sun realizes even it doesn’t want the incinerated carcasses of either player, it will be too late. This magical event will be followed by the universe exploding into dancing rainbows, unicorns, and whimsical elves that grant endless wishes to everyone but Bruce Boudreau, who will go on to coach a couple more teams that will never advance past the second round before his eventual banishment to northern Georgia to endlessly live out the live action portrayal of Deliverance. Both teams will lose. Everyone else will win. In the unlikely event the series doesn’t unfold that way though, Kings in 6.
J.R.: Um. Wow. I’m not disagreeing with Alex here. Kings in 6.
Boston Bruins vs. Montreal Canadiens
OA: In the billionth time these two teams face each other in the playoffs, the Bruins will win again, knocking out the one team every Canadian loves, Montreal. Bruins in 6.
J.R.: I genuinely forgot Montreal was still in the playoffs because they hadn’t played in two weeks. I hope they didn’t forget how to play hockey. You won’t forget this series, because it’s the only one NBC is going to broadcast. Boston in 7.
New York Rangers vs. Pittsburgh Penguins
OA: Marc-Andre Fleury will choke and Pittsburgh’s offense won’t be able to seal the deal. Glen Sather’s band of merry misfits in 7.
J.R.: For reasons I’m not sure I fully understand, I’m adopting the Rangers for the playoffs. Give me those beautiful Blueshirts in 6.