AnthRaps: ‘Hit ‘Em Up: Minnesota Wild Edition’

by J.R.

unblockthraxyAvalanche fan, friend of the show and frequent contributor Anthrax Jones loves the Minnesota Wild. He loves them so much, on the occasion of the Minnesota/Colorado opener (that’s a battle for the belt), he penned this delightful version of Tupac’s classic “Hit ‘Em Up,” dedicated to our buddies from the State of Hockey:

First off f— your fans, your entire state

Half your top six skaters they can’t even skate
You claim “The State Of Hockey” but that’s a lie
Norm Green took your team before you let them die
The Stars went to Dallas and nobody cared
Except 15 Lakebillies and their bleached out hair
Dallas won a Cup, Minnesota got scammed
But at least you got a banner for “world’s best fans”, hahaaa
Now you got the Wild and you think that you’re hot
15 years and no Cups tells us all you’re not
Keep asking Uncle Gary for that outdoor game
Which’ll happen after five in LA
Grab your boo when you see Koivu
Tell the bae to get miles away
He’ll knock you up with his Finnishing shot
Then drop a twenty on your countertop
Check this out
All you Lakebillies aint even on my level, I don’t even know why I’m on this track
Imma let my homey Doc Emrick ride on your fakea– green-and-red bear deciduous a–es
Get out the way yo
Get out the way yo
Wild fans just got chipped
Out the neutral zone
Hey yo Edzo
Drop the mike before I swipe your a– like a Tinder ho
Waffleboarded jabbed and knocked back to center
Skipped off the boards and now I’m bout to enter
Your heads
Welcome to Pominville
Looks as empty as Cooke’s head, all skull no skill
Now we got the whole NHL makin’ fun of you Minny
Second round and out is your ceiling Minny
Your thin-skinned fans don’t wanna see the truth
But your Conference III foes got you locked down like Bluth
Lemme back on this thing
Sit back and purify yourselves in the waters of Lake Minnetonka
Cuz I ain’t done just yet
You a, fake power
A second-round-and-outer
Perennial underachievers from Valhalla
Pinning all your hopes on a “Haula”
Blowing straight past Ryan Suter
And scoring four on the shooter-tutor
Alright, alright, I’m done
Good luck, you pine-needle sucking hayseeds
That’s a lie
Unblock Anthrax, 2015