Greetings, [fellow travelers], and welcome to a special trade deadline edition of [Redacted]. Without further ado, let’s have a look at what each Conference III team did over the past few days.
Welcome to the [Redacted] Week in Review – I’m your HMFIC, Obscene Alex. The NHL is back this week with one outdoor game, one indoor-outdoor game (it’s house-trained), and a big trade – and not a moment too soon because the withdrawal was making my hands shake. Here’s what happened this past week:
If you’re like me, you’re [thrilled beyond compare] that the Olympics are over and we can get back to our regularly scheduled program of hating each other over geographically closer teams.
In case you missed it, here are some highlights from the past couple of weeks:
Howdy, [donkey trilbies], and welcome to this week’s edition of the [Redacted] Week in Review. Good players that matter are in Sochi by now, trying to find functional toilets. Lesser players are on break. Without Conference III hockey to cover over the next week, I find myself somewhere in the middle – I just replaced a toilet at my house and Olympic hockey is unlikely to offer the same enjoyable opportunities to converse with opposing fans that the regular NHL schedule does. As a quick note on both, though, the nasty old wax ring I pulled off when I removed my old toilet was about the same color as the Phoenix Coyote jerseys. I only wish I had taken a picture for posterior posterity.
It seems like this week has crawled as slowly as watching a New Jersey Devils shot trying to cross the goal line. Nate MacKinnon is still running away with the Calder scoring race, Winnipeg lost two out of three this week, and the Blackhawks are still wearing the Conference III Crown of [Fecal Matter]. Not everything is the same, though… here’s some new stuff to enjoy:
In the past week, I’ve flown to every Conference III city (except Winnipeg, but I was in Atlanta, so that counts, right?) to do some scouting and what I learned might surprise you. You see, I did evaluate some players, but more importantly, I discovered the one thing that all Conference III coaches have in common. That, [dear readers], is the inability to resist a fresh, hot, and juicy [sandwich]. Just mention the word and Mike Yeo’s mouth starts to salivate. Hopefully teams in other divisions won’t learn of this kryptonite. Don’t believe me? I wish it weren’t true either, but here’s the proof:
Holy [cow], this was a crazy [fuddledudding] week. The same day we launched the Conference III Crown of [Fecal Matter], the Perds made sure the Stars had a Stetson full to the brim with manure by giving them a 4-1 shellacking, making their record an abysmal 1-8-1 in 2014. It was the first time the Stars wore the infamous [chapeau de connerie] this season and some of you blamed me for the loss, claiming that this great new award was a jinx. [Flip] you! You should have had more confidence.
In case you missed it, the Stars trolled the Maple Leafs hard Thursday night to a 7-1 win. The Stars game ops team and whoever runs their social media accounts trolled even harder.
Howdy, [door-opening device consumers] and welcome to the Conference III Week in Review. I’m your host, Obscene Alex and this week we’re going to take a short break from your regularly scheduled programming so you can get caught up on a new feature I’m introducing because it needs some explanation and because the Stars are plodding along like a [cursed] neo-hippy in a hypermiling Prius, having won just one [scheduled] game this calendar year, and I would rather focus on something else.
As always on Monday, our buddy Obscene Alex recaps the week. The redactions are mine and in brackets.
Eat [pie], you [intercourse twigs] and welcome to the Conference III Week in Review. I’m your host, Obscene Alex and these are my thoughts on the past week…