[Redacted]: Looking Forward

by obscenealex

Greetings, [confrères], and welcome to another week of [Redacted].  I’m going to pretend most of this past week never happened. Start over.  Press the reset button.  Rage quit.  Maybe even black out to forget.  Instead of revisiting the past week, we’re going to spend this week looking ahead.  The future hasn’t happened yet (something Boring Sean Monahan may have already said at some point) and therefore offers me the hope missing from the past week.  Let’s get this over with…

  • The St. Louis Brown Notes are not only the top team in the West, they also now wear the Poop Porkpie, the [Donkey’s] Ascot, the Butt Ball Cap, the Turd Toque, the Brown Sombrero… you get the idea.  The top team in the conference wearing the Crown of Fecal Matter?  This is a very Conference III situation.  Luckily for the Blues, they get six chances to pass the hat before the end of the regular season starting with a home game against Minnesota on Thursday.
  • Teuvo Teravainen

    Teuvo is born. Teuvo is risen. Teuvo has come again.

    The team that gave it to them, passing it along like festering herpes, has lost Patrick Kane for the remainder of the season.  However, that injury makes space for highly touted Chicago prospect Teuvo Teravainen, who is billed as the Finnish Patrick Kane.  By the time the playoffs start and Kane is back in action, he will be the American Teuvo Teravainen.  Teravainen is 19 years old, comes in at a hulking 5’6” 115 lbs and is expected to make an immediate, amazing, and unheralded impact as a rookie, scoring in bunches, making dozens of slick passes, shutting down opposing forwards, never getting knocked off the puck, leveling the opposition with punishing hits, turning water into wine, parting the Red Sea, and winning playoff games by making the other team surrender.  Teravainen will skate on a line by himself to give his teammates a breather.  Crawford will safely watch Teuvo’s escapades from the bench because no one else will ever have the puck.  Yes, that’s right, ladies and gentlemen, it’s Teuvo Time in America.  The latest word is that Teravainen will debut for the Blackhawks against Dallas on Tuesday after 72 virgins finish feeding him grapes.

  • Colorado is in the middle of their first three game losing streak of 2014, including a 6-3 loss to the Canadiens after which for some reason the flaming rays of fire and brimstone from Patrick Roy’s ears didn’t raze Montreal to the ground.  However, the Avs play the Perds on Tuesday and have an easy chance to end it.  Looking way ahead for the Avs, prospect Chris Bigass Bigras was just voted best defensive defenseman in the OHL’s Western Conference.
  • Now that Mikko Koivu is back and Mikael Granlund is still the #1 center, will Mike Yeo leave him there?  Granlund has really stepped up this season.  [Darn you] Minnesota for having the luxury of dealing with these problems.  Tyler Seguin’s future is brighter than either one, but having an actual second line center must be nice instead of asking a third line center to play above his abilities.  In other news, some folks up there are still worried about making the playoffs.  [Seriously].  You’re kidding, right?
  • Watching Dallas Stars hockey in the month of March has been a [large satchel of pizzle] for six seasons in a row.  They lose games they shouldn’t and they lose games they should.  Every once in a while, they realize they need to string fans along and give them an injection of hope, so they produce a convincing win.  So here’s to Dallas Stars Playoff Hopes Episode 6: Will They Finally [Really] Make It This Time, Those [Recalcitrant Reprobates].
  • Folks in Winnipeg are finally admitting playoffs are not going to happen.  It was probably said before Saturday by some, but there were others that were still under the illusion last week.

    “[Oh heavens no], of course not” is the only reasonable answer, but for some reason we all hold onto hope for way too long in these situations.

  • Flavor Flav

    Flavor Flav modeling The Best [Blessed] Prospect Ever Solid Gold Analog Clock Necklace, complimented by the the [Poophat], sans-feces.

    In what is surely a sign of the apocalypse, the Perds won a game 6-5 this week.  You read that correctly.  11 goals were scored in a game involving Nashville.  Now, granted, it was against the Call Gary Flammies, but this is still a puzzling turn of events you may be confused by, so I’ve pinpointed the cause for you: the Perds called up a highly touted prospect, Calle Jarncork… Yarncrock…  [Mason Jar of Cow Cod Soup] for the game.  [Glass Container of Lù Biān] had an assist in that game and the next one, a 2-0 shutout of Chicago.  This kid is going to be good!  Calle is being called the Swedish Henrik Zetterberg by nobody except for a Red Wings scout that may or may not have that opinion anymore since the comparison was made back in 2010, which is good because that would get confusing because they’re both Swedish.  One thing we know for sure is that should Calle and Teuvo ever meet in battle, it would be epic, to the death, and possibly deserving of some third Conference III award called The Best [Blessed] Prospect Ever Solid Gold Analog Clock Necklace.  Another award would cheapen the Crown of Fecal Matter, though, and I won’t allow it.

Until next time…