[Redacted]: Catching Up

by obscenealex

If nothing else scares you today, this probably should.

Happy Halloween, you bunch of spooky dark [entrances to tunnels of terror].  It’s been too long!  I know.  I have so much [loving stink] going on in my professional and personal life that it’s been hard to carve out time for my normal in-season weekly forays into the ridiculous with you, you jovial [family men].  It’s good [positive developments], though, except for the part where it keeps me away from III Communication.

Here’s a quick wrap up of recent events around Conference III before I finish a 50+ slide powerpoint deck and head to the Halloween store to pick up this year’s costume…

Great Game Previews In History: 17 October 2014

by J.R.

Today In History

Earlier, we explored some of the lesser-known martial exploits of the Burgoyne family — specifically that of John Fox Burgoyne at Sevastopol.

Today, though, is the 237th anniversary of the Burgoyne’s most infamous failure: Big John capitulating to the American upstarts in Saratoga, turning the tide of the Revolution to the Patriots.

One of the great misconceptions about Saratoga is that it was one single battle that ended with Burgoyne turning his sword over to Horatio Gates. In fact, it was a series of lengthy battles, almost six weeks long. Americans needed a win, particularly in the North. Gates had taken over the Northern Department after the surrender of the (thought-to-be-impenetrable) Fort Ticonderoga. He was able to raise armies, restructure the militias and start to very slowly encircle Burgoyne, who was losing supply lines because General William Howe had decided to send the occupying army from New York City south to attack Philadelphia rather than north to reinforce Burgoyne in Albany.

[Redacted]: Poophat Primer

by obscenealex

Poophat, not to be confused with Pope hat.

It’s finally that time of year again.  The leaves are turning, the air is beginning to get a little brisk, and the Conference III Crown of Fecal Matter is fresh, odorous, and steamy.  For the uninitiated reader, the infamous S— Stetson was introduced last season to be the yin to the Conference III Championship Belt’s yang.

The Winnipeg Jets ended last season with the S— Lid, losing to Minnesota, and they therefore begin the season with the fresh Fecal Fedora resting untidily atop their flow and occasionally dribbling down their faces.  However, it’s a new season.  The record book is reset.  Winnipeg can divest itself of the Merde Millinery and regain their pride—or shamefully retain it until a matchup with another Conference III foe later in October.

[Redacted]: Hockey Is Finally Here

by obscenealex

Welcome back, [poultry fetishists].  Teams from other divisions played yesterday, but [ignore] them.  Today marks the first day of the real NHL regular season.  To mark this momentous occasion, join me for a review of the teams that make our beloved Conference III a special division—a Great Divide—separating it from the Flortheast, the Californian, and the Metropolitan, where division name jokes write themselves.  As J.R. so eloquently pointed out yesterday, it is our division that both unites us and divides us, and since he chose to focus on the former, I will examine the latter in the form of crass, brash, and morally distasteful power rankings.

Great Game Previews In History: 11 April 2014

by J.R.

Today In History

The War of the Spanish Succession came to an end on this day in 1713 with the signing of the former Conference III 11th-ranked Treaty of Utrecht.

It was actually a series of treaties, because the War of the Spanish Succession was so dang complicated. On one hand was Louis XIV of France and his grandson Philip V of Spain and on the other, representatives of Anne, Queen of Great Britain, the Duke of Savoy, the King of Portugal and the United Provinces of the Netherlands.

It had the force and effect of curtailing French ambitions at ruling Europe while preserving the balance of power, which was, like, the thing to day in early modern Europe.

[Redacted]: At My Wits’ and Season’s End

by obscenealex

Welcome to the last [Redacted] of the 2013-14 regular season.  When I first started this [sludge stack] I didn’t know what to expect.  I knew I could write but I’d never written about hockey and I wasn’t sure if I could keep it going week after week.  I’ve had a great time in the short half season I’ve shared my obscene, outlandish and/or ridiculous thoughts with you and I’ve met some cool people.  Thank you for embracing me and enjoying [Redacted].  You [beloved people] are all right.

This week, I’m going to open with some housekeeping and then get down to business.

Thursday Thirteen: Don’t Dream It’s Over

by J.R.

Every Thursday we bring you III Communication’s Conference III Power Rankings, the Thursday Thirteen.

This week, hey now hey now.

Great Game Previews In History: 4 April 2014

by J.R.

Today in History

On April 3, 1043 at Winchester Cathedral, Edward the Confessor is crowned as king.

His accession is a little bit of a complicated story (the relatively simple determination of who is to be the next heir to the throne in Britain is a modern creation). Edward was the seventh son of Æthelred the Unready. When Æthelred died, he was succeeded by Edward’s older half-brother, Edmund Ironside, who was fighting the Dane Cnut for control of England. When Edmund died, Cnut took the throne, exiled Edward and married his mother.

When Cnut died, Harthacnut — Edward’s mother’s son with Cnut — succeeded to the throne of Denmark, but couldn’t take that of England, which instead went to Harold Harefoot. When Edward and his brother Alfred came back to England, Harold had Alfred blinded by a red-hot poker (or, as the NHL calls it, “upper body injury”).

Eventually Harold died, Harthacnut became king and invited Edward back. The latter was proclaimed as successor, supported by the most powerful earls in the country and chosen by the people of Lond0n.

He would be the last Anglo-Saxon king of England.

[Redacted]: Crown of Fecal Matter Update

by obscenealex

If players eat cereal out of Lord Stanley, what do they eat out of the Fecal Fedora?

It’s almost the end of the season… that time of year when the Crown of [Fecal Matter] stops traveling, settles down, and gets comfortable on the heads of players, occasionally being removed so they can eat Cheerios out of it, bathe their kids in it, and maybe even throw it off balconies and give it lap dances.  Will players from your team spend the summer getting frisky with the Fecal Fedora?  Let’s review where the Sombrero de Mierda has been and where it may end up.  As always, new wearers are bolded.  Teams shamefully retaining the Crown are italicized.

 

DemocraThree: 28 March 2014

by J.R.

Every Friday bloggers from around The Heptarchy will update us on the news and notes from their teams (with that fancy header image courtesy of Mike D; like democracy itself, it’s a perpetual work-in-progress). Yes, we ripped this off from TRH’s Pacific War Room; no, we don’t care. And since we ripped it off, we’ll follow their lead and go in standings order.