Thursday Thirteen: One More Week

by J.R.

Every Thursday we bring you the III Communication’s Conference III Power Rankings, the Thursday Thirteen.

This week, the last fake rankings of the year.

1. Chicago Blackhawks: As with last week, please note that this week’s rankings are based entirely on performance to date in the preseason and are not indicative of the official Conference III predicted order of finish (which will be posted ahead of the start of the actual season, not this silliness. That said, the team we expect to be the best in the regular season has been the best in the preseason, having lost exactly zero times in regulation. The Hawks did lose in a shootout twice to Pittsburgh, which won’t matter in the Stanley Cup Final of course, not only because there’s no shootouts in the playoffs, but also because Pittsburgh’s goalie is still Marc-Andre Fleury. Maybe the Hawks should use Brandon Bollig next time.

2. Friend & Lover

In your head now, isn’t it? You’re welcome. Fun facts: It was recorded in Nashville and Ray Stevens played the keyboards on it.

3. Minnesota Wild: The Wild should maybe be first here, boasting a 4-1-0 preseason record, but that in-regulation loss to the Blue Jackets (which is an insult) harms them far more than Chicago’s two trick-shot losses to the Penguins. Minnesota does squeak in over the Stars with a perfect pre-season record against Conference III foes.

4. Dallas Stars: The Stars’ only losses in the preseason are shootout losses and both were to St. Louis. They also put up five on the Avalanche, who have only given up 11 goals in the preseason so far.

5. The Parthenon (Nashville): Site of an iconic Famous Final Scene in Robert Altman’s Nashville, at which Henry Gibson’s Haven Hamilton declared that Nashville is, in fact, not Dallas.

Why does Nashville have a replica of The Parthenon, you ask? Because it’s the Athens of the South, what with all the colleges and stuff, and during the Centennial Exposition (held, in actuality, in 1897, one year after Tennessee’s centennial, meaning the organizers perhaps skipped both math and vocabulary lectures at one of the many colleges) they built a fake Parthenon and people liked it so much, they made it permanent. It’s actually more perfect than the Greek one, as modern building practices helped make it more closely align with the Golden Ratio.

6. The Parthenon (Athens): With upkeep like this, how could it beat Nashville’s?

The Greeks’ constant bragging about their great cultural landmarks and how they invented democracy is basically the international relations version of “How many Cups have you won?”

7. St. Louis Blues: The Blues bluesily signed Brenden Morrow and are just as bluesily 2-2-1 in the preseason.

8. Pottawatomie County Man: Been shot in the dome by a shotgun-wielding girlfriend? No biggie:

The victim made his way to the nearest neighbor who took him to the hospital. Once there Pottawatomie County Sheriff Mike Booth said he resisted treatment and tried to get away, even if it meant striking the deputy.

“He was very belligerent and combative,” says Booth. “He didn’t seem to mind he had a gunshot wound to the head.”

Booth says the victim didn’t even want a report filed. The deputy ended up having to tase the victim and get him in handcuffs to get him to stay.

“We didn’t have any choice but to restrain him to keep him from leaving the hospital with the type of injury he had,” says Booth.

With today’s increased emphasis on head-safety, this seems unwise, but we admire this guy’s dedication. Later in the story, a neighbor says dude and his girlfriend spend a lot of time doing target practice, like they don’t even know shooting percentage always regresses to the mean.

9. Nashville Predators: The Preds got off the schneid by returning home and notching two wins, but then — and this will blow your mind — got run around on the second day of a back-to-back with a depleted roster (including the back-up goalie) playing the rested Washington Capitals. If the Preds have to play back-to-backs all year against talented Eastern Conference teams with loads of offense and they have to play an AHL-level goalie and a half-roster, they will lose a lot of games, in my opinion.

And if you don’t think they are America’s Team:

That midshipman immediately became the U.S. Navy’s first fleet admiral since William F. Halsey.

More:

10. Davy Crockett: The man who lost an election in Tennessee and then promptly told his erstwhile constituents to go to hell (not unlike Norm Green) inexplicably became a talking point in the 2014 Republican Senate primary in his home state. The ultimate insult? His defender, Joe Carr, referred to him as “Davy,” when it’s well-known the man (a wearer of raccoons) preferred “David.”

11. Colorado Avalanche: After picking off a pair against Pacific opponents, the Avs lost the front end of a home-and-home to the Stars. They’ll play again tonight.

12. Winnipeg Jets: The Jets have won but once so far (though they took the OT point twice more). They wrap the preseason with a home-and-away with old Eastern Conference foe Boston tonight and tomorrow.

13. Tomás de Torquemada: The honcho of the Spanish Inquisition, Torquemada was charged with ridding Spain of all heresy. In Torquemada’s twisted little brain, that meant getting rid not only of non-Catholics, but also paying very special attention to the conversos, Jews and Muslims who had converted to Catholicism.

Torquemada didn’t trust the new people any more than he trusted the people who just kept on being Jewish or Muslim. He even went after Teresa of Ávila and John of the Cross, two folks who would later get “Saint” on the front end of their name; Torquemada would just get “that asshole” on the front of his.

He was not a man given to being friendly to new fans, if you will. He would not have liked Conference III very much.

He got his, of course. His name is synonymous with murderous, torture-supporting zealot jerks and his bones got burned in the 19th century.